THE RETURN OF CAPTAIN NUMBSKULL
‘Twas the year 1611…
Captain Numbskull, the pirate captain of the Rubber Ducky, slowly and painfully got to his feet and looked up at the large window from which he was kicked out of.
“Oh, boy, what a fall!” he said as he straightened his spectacles as best as he could by flexing his face muscles.
For what happened was this: The king, in his wrath and anger, with swift movements, jumped out of his throne and kicked the numbskull of a Numbskull out of a open window.
“Thank ma’ lucky stars ‘am still alive! ‘Twas about a 100 feet fall!” And looking left and right, he said,”Now for that treasure! Yippee!”
He moved as fast as he could with the miserable strait jacket tied around him, his rather strange running style making him look like an ostrich. He ran into a small wooded area next to the castle, where he will be less spotted by the king’s men.
“Hello, what’s this?” he questioned himself as he stood near some trees next to the brick outer wall of the castle. “Ain’t this what I was a’lookin’ for… another entrance into the castle?”
What he found was an old wooden trapdoor with rusting hinges embedded into the dirt, mostly covered with grass.
Then with his feet, he opened the mysterious trapdoor and looked down. Behold: Nothing but pitch blackness…
“Well… I… um… er…” he mumbled as he hesitated. “Ok, ol’ Numbskull… here goes a’nuttin’!” With that he plunged into the hole. “AYE-AYE-YAH!!” said he as he fell.
“Ooof!” He landed. “Uh… what is this place?” He was now in an old cellar, a dungeon in fact.
“Who, who art thou?” said an old creepy voice.
The hairs on the back of the captain’s neck stood up at the unexpected voice. As he squinted his eyes and looked around, he spotted a cage connected to the dungeon wall, a cage with an old man inside, a very old-looking man with long white hair, a bushy white moustache and beard, and ragged clothes.
“Er… g’mornin’! Art thou Santa Claus?” asked Captain Numbskull.
The old man answered, “Never in my life.”
Numbskull continued,”Art thou… Gandalf?”
“Out of the question!”
“Then art thou… a sasquatch?”
“A sasqua.. what art thou talking about?! …What’s a sasquatch?”
“A big hairy creature that eateth humans! Other than that, I have no idea whatsoever. Who art thou anyways?”
The prisoner pondered for a few moments. “For years, decades it seemeth, I have been imprisoned in this miserable bird cage, so… I hast forgotten my name! …But I doth remember this one thing… my friends used to call me… Pistachio Penguin!”
“P-P-Pistachio Penguin??!” cried Numbskull in wonder. “What kind of a name is that?!”
“Well, when I was younger, I used to eat pistachios so much that I got too fat, and I walked just like a penguin… thus the name, Pistachio Penguin… savvy?”
“Duh… But why pistachios? It soundeth boring! Why not almonds? They’re bigger and healthier…”
“Well, enough of this!” said Pistachio Penguin. “Wilt thou be so kind as to free me from this stinkin’ prison? Here, I hast nothin’ to eat but rotten eggs and stale bread, washed down by rotten low-fat goat’s milk, given to me by that filthy little king’s brattish guards!”
“I wilst help thee, if it weren’t for this stupid striped jackal… whatever it’s called, then I couldst free thee with ma’ hands! But I’ll try to try ma’ best!” Then he started jumping up and down, getting ready for action. “OK, mister. I’ll try to free thee out of thy miserable dwelling place!”
Up and down he jumped, kicking at the iron bars as he did so. “Take that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and…”
The old man, who was chewing his beard, said,”Please don’t make too much noise… And thou lookest like a chicken!”
Numbskull abruptly stopped and looked at the old man, “And would thou please stop actin’ the goat!”
Pistachio Penguin stopped chewing his beard,”Huh?”
Twenty minutes later, with a final kick from Numbskull’s weakening legs, the jail doors burst open, and Pistachio Penguin was free!
“I can’t find enough words to thank thee, sir! I thank thee, I thank thee from my heart! Tell me what I canst do to return thy kindness!”
Numbskull looked as proud as ever. “No need to thank me ol’ geezer. I just did what I must, nothing more, nothing less. How old art thou, O Pistachio Penguin anyways? Thou lookest like thou art at least two thousand years old! And thou canst repay me by freeing me from my bonds as well.”
“I am fourscore and eight years old! I knowest that because I have kept track of all the years of my imprisonment by making notches on the wall with this here knife!” And taking his knife from out of his coat pocket, and with one swift movement, he cut the stait jacket right smack in the middle.
“EEEEEEK!!!” screamed Numbskull as the strait jacket fell to the floor. “I thoughtest thou wert goin’ to be a’killin’ me! And by the way… stank ye very much for the cuttin’ of ma’ bonds! And I hast forgotten to tell thee… my name is Captain Rascal Numbskull!”
“Oh… oh, really,” said the old man, whose face had clouded up and who was looking at the oafish captain shrewdly. “And… you’re welcome.”
Numbskull looked at the knife the old man was holding. “Wait a moment there… if you had a knife… then why didn’t ye just unlock the door with it thyself?!”
The old man looked down upon his knife. “Well I never… You’re right! What a fool I was!” Then he returned the knife to its original place, face red with anger to himself and embarrassment.
Numbskull thought, “Hmm? Fourscore and eight? Whatever the world does that meaneth? Hmm…”
Then from his coat pocket, Numbskull took out a pen and began scribbling something on the strait jacket which he picked up.
“What the prickly porcupine quills art thou doing, huh?”
“I, the great Cap’n Numbskull, has been a’doin’ some elementary calculations, and I hast come to the fantastic conclusion, that thou art eight hundred eighty-eight point fifty-four years old!” Then snapping his fingers and pushing his spectacles up like a smarty, he said, “Oh, yeah! I’m a wonderful genius sparkling with a good ol’ brain!”
But it was less than ten seconds later that Captain Numbskull lay sprawled out on the floor with his pirate hat pushed down to his nose.
TO BE CONTINUED…