Part 2: The Return of Captain Numbskull
Part 3: The Treasure of Ignoramus Rex
THE DUEL OF THE FATES AND THE BANQUET
‘Twas the year 1611…
“HELP!!! HELP!!!” yelled Captain Numbskull as the cute little baby sloth climbed up his belly. “It’s coming towards ma’ face, and it tickleth like crazy! Shiver me timbers!”
But Thursday wasn’t there anymore.
“I-I-It’s an i-i-i-imp!! Run for thy life! Run for thy life!” shouted the old man Thursday as he fled from the king’s library. In fact he was running at the amazing speed of 135 miles per hour! Smoke came out from behind him as he ran.
“Hey, hey! Wait! Wait for me, Tuesday! Wait! Ahhhhh! It’s a’grabbin’ ma’ neck!! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Avast me hearties!! It’s now on ma’ face!!”
“Ahh!. . . Ahh!!!” said the cute little baby sloth.
Frantically he tried to take the sloth off his body using his hands, but the sloth sticked to him like superglue. So, he ran, ran for all he was worth, crashing into bookshelves, and causing books to fall out of them – a perfect representation of a bull in a china shop.
So, like a bull in a china shop, he jumped up and down, with the sloth still sticking on to his face.”I can’t see! I can’t see!”
Blindly he ran and jumped, and he had to go under several ladders, causing them to collapse after he went through them. After making a big mess in the king’s library, he went out of the library and caused havoc in the large hallway decorated with many valuable items.
“OK! If ye won’t be a’letting go of me, I’d be a’throwin’ ye ma’ shoe!” The sloth did not respond, so the humbug pirate captain took of his shoe and aiming it, he threw it. . .
But missed his mark.
The shoe went flying up and into a large mirror in the middle of the hallway of many corridors, and ‘CRASH!!!!!!’
“YIKES!!!… Ooooooops… Can someone be a’helpin’ me?!?!” Just then, five hundred black cats appeared from one of the corridors, for the Queen, currently absent from the castle, had seven thousand, five hundred forty-two cats in her possession. So, they came, right where the captain and sloth were. The captain and the sloth looked on with mouths open wide as the black stampede went past Numbskull’s skinny legs.
“Hey, there! Watch where ye is be a’goin’! You there, be careful! Oh, sorry, sir, did I squish thy tail?” The cat who got its tail stepped on by the captain growled and bit his left leg. “Aieeeee! YEOUCH!!! Today ain’t ma’ lucky day!!! Boo hoo hoo.”
“Halt!” commanded the captain of the king’s guards, Captain Rockfort, whose voice sounded low and harsh because of the full-face helmet, to the two approaching guards, Nit Bumperstickers and Wit Crackerjacks, the two guards that caught Numbskull and brought him into the throne room in the first place. “Any sign of the dummy?”
“No, my captain!” said Nit. “But we hath checked the dungeons and found out that the old prisoner hath escaped! Furthermore, we looked for the guards who were supposed to be guarding the prisoner and we hath found them playing soccer with each other on the king’s lawn using a helmet as a ball!”
“To be precise, they were playing helmetball using some socks as a goal!” said Wit.
“WHAT!!! The prisoner escaped?! Surely you jest!”
“No, Captain, it is true. Also, we saw a torn straitjacket lying on the floor next to the old man’s prison door…”
The tall and slender captain wearing a long dark blue cape bearing the coat of arms, grabbed both guards with both hands. “A straitjacket ye say?! Well, may not that be the very same one ye put on the clumsy ol’ Captain Numbskull?!! He hath helped our prisoner escape! Go find those two at all costs!”
Suddenly, they saw a figure walking clumsily, screaming and singing a bunch of mumbo jumbo.
“AH!!! HOCUS POCUS!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO GET ALL THE BAD LUCK!!! CUANDO FLORESCA EL CHUÑO!!! I’VE BEEN DANCING IN THE HALLWAYS! BABY SLOTH O’FACE!!!”
“GET HIM!!!” shouted Captain Rockfort, then blew a whistle, sending a shrill sound around the many hallways of the castle to alert the other twelve guards.
“Get who? said Captain Numbskull. Then he realized his peril. “Oh oh… Here goeth nothing! AHHH!!!”
So saying, he ran with all his might to a direction he knew not what. By this time all fifteen guards were chasing him.
“Ye can’t catch me! I’m the dunderhead man!” screamed Numbskull.
Then the fifteen guards stopped, and grinned at each other.
For the nitwit of a numbskull of a Numbskull was running straight towards the doors of of king’s throne room!
The king, who was sitting on his throne, clapped his hands when his orchestra finished playing “The Raiders March” for him.
“Bravo! Bravo!” Then turning to his main servant he said, “Don’t you like good music? This orchestra is one of a kind!”
At that the six orchestra members smiled.
“BUT PLAY THAT SONG IN G CORD NEXT TIME!!!!” shouted the king, throwing his fedora down to the floor and putting his crown back on. “Time for some good classical music! Well, let’s see… what about “The William Tell Overture”? Yes, that will suffice. Please play it in G cord, wilt thou?”
And so Captain Numbskull was running with all his might when he heard his favorite piece of classical music playing somewhere in front of him. “Whoaya! Well, ain’t that swell music, eh Baby McSloth? I’d betta go see who’s a’playin’!!”
King Victoro, the king of an island near England, was sitting on his throne, when all of a sudden the doors of the throne room opened. . . and there came in the great Captain Numbskull, humming “The Willam Tell Overture”and galloping like a crazy horse.
Orchestra, servants, maids, and king watching in wonder and bewilderment, the nutty numbskull ran with the baby sloth still on his face, messed up the red carpet, ran up the steps to the throne, and ‘WHAM!!’. . . right into the king’s poor stomach!
The king’s belly serving as some kind of trampolene, Numbskull bounced up high into the air and landed in front of the throne room’s doors. It was then that the guards led by Captain Rockfort arrived.
“Sire!” said Rockfort, “We have brought unto thee the numbskull!”
The king coughed and choaked for a few moments. “Well… ‘cough’… So, it seems!” Then he grinned an evil-looking grin at Captain Numbskull, who was now standing and looking around like a meerkat – gaping mouth and dislocated spectacles, not to mention his overly stretched out tongue.
Captain Numbskull was trapped.
“Ye cannot escape out of this, my boy!” said the king. “I have been waiting for this for… a few hours… And now, thou hast gotten thyself trapped! Dost thou know what wilt happen next? Ye wilt be hanged for treason!”
Numbskull gulped. “B-b-b-but, I was a baaaaaaaaaaaaad boy! Boo hoo hoo!”
“BUT!” said the king, rising from his throne, his face half filled with a big smile, “I think that kind of a punishment is too good for the likes of thee!”
Numbskull breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank ye, crowny, I thank ye from ma’ heart. Me wilt never be a’forgettin’ thy kindness and wilt never be a bad boy again!”
Then, out of his sheath connected to his belt, the king took out a long two-edged sword.
“He, he, he!” he chuckled. “I wilt therefore slay thee with my sword, the sword which I used for slaying the former owner of this castle, the evil pirate captain, Indominus Rex!” Then he paused and looked up as though he was contemplating something. “Oh, I’m sorry, it’s Ignoramus Rex! Ha, ha, ha!!!” The other people in the room laughed along with him, but Numbskull’s jaw was lowered down to his Adam’s apple.
“Ah-ah-ah… um, er. . . parlay?” fidgeted Numbskull.
“No forgiveness will come from me, Numbo!” said the king as he climbed down the throne’s steps, wielding his deadly weapon.
Numbskull looked on with a sorrowful face, but quickly his demeanor changed. “Well, if that’s the case!” said he, putting his hand into his coat. “I’m ready for a fair fight!”
The room was filled with gasps and murmurs. The king was silent.
“So, you’re calling for a duel, eh?” said he. “Hm!! I don’t see any reason whatsoever to refuse this foolish request! Let the fight begin!!”
“Uh, uh, uh, Kingy!” said the Numbskull wagging his forefinger at the king. “Be careful, because I’d, in ma’ lafftime, has been a’killin’ 33,456 centipedes”, then he took something out of his coat, “with this toothpick!!!”
Laughter roared from the occupants of the room. The king once again was silent. He was squinting his eyes at Numbskull to mock him.
“Now that rotten little thing WILL NOT help thee very much, wilt it?” said the king.
“Oh, yeah? Atchaa! Hiyaaa!” said Numbskull, waving his toothpick around like a little baby playing with a rattler. “Charge, coward!”
With one single move, the king swooped Numbskull’s insignificant little toothpick in half with his sword.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” cried Numbskull, as his legs gave in with shock, causing him to sit on the ground with bent legs. “MY TOOTHPICK!! WHAT HAST THOU DONE TO MY TOOTHPICK??!!!”
“I snapped it in half, of course.”
Numbskull suddenly jumped to his feet and shouted right in front of the king ‘s face. “Ye do not know what this is! Ye do not know what this is! This was my best friend, a companion of many adventures, devastator of thousands of centipedes, 33,456 centipedes to be precise. . . and YOU wast supposed to be the 33,457th!!”
But the king only stationed his sword on Numbskull’s chest. “Prepare to die!”
“No. wait!. . . I hast something to give thee!”
The king looked interested. “What? Something… for me? And it ain’t my birthday!”
“I want to give thee… THE TREASURE OF IGNORAMUS REX!!!”
The king dropped his sword.
“Really? Hast thou really found the treasure that ye were looking for for seventeen years? And art thou willing to give it to me?”
“Life is more valuable than treasure” said Numbskull, eyes filled with tears.
But it was then that he knew the sloth was missing.
“Er… it should be… someplace around here…”
“WHAT??!! Art thou saying that thou hast not found it yet?!” grumbled the king.
“Wait a sec! What’s this in ma’ hat?” So saying, Numbskull took off his hat, and there sat the cute little baby sloth, looking at the king with big, round, innocent, shiny eyes.
“Ahh!” it said.
“Awwww” said the whole audience, including the king.
“Behold!” Numbskull pronounced. “The Treasure of Ignoramus Rex!”
Hands shaking, eyes shining with little tears, and head bobbing up and down like a Willie Mays Bobblehead doll, the king slowly stretched out his hand to receive the treasure. Numbskull gave the precious little thing to the king.
“Thank you. Thank you for such an adorable little critter as this!” said the king as he held his new pet, petted it, and kissed it. “And to show thee my gratitude, I will now promote thee… to be my most HUMBUG servant!”
Laughter filled the room once more.
Numbskull replied, “Weeeell I never! I can’t believe it! Well, um, th-th-thanks!” But he really thought, “Oh, nuts.”
Thirty four minutes and twenty-one seconds later. . .
The evening banquet has begun.
Roasted chicken and pork, pigs with apples in their mouths, fruit of diverse kinds, macaroni and cheese, corn soup, vegetable soup, minestrone soup, hamburgers and hot dogs. . . and much more, were served at the grand feast, held in the large banquet hall next to the throne room.
The orchestra played fantastic classical music fit for a banquet while the king, with the sloth perched on his shoulder, and some of his servants and guards munched on their dainties. . . with Numbskull serving as the butler. . .
Captain Rockfort and four other guards were absent on another mission: To find the old prisoner and to lock him up in the dungeon once again.
Numbskull would much rather have liked to eat the delicious-looking food with the king and his men, but he only looked on with an unsatisfied appetite. The sloth got some food from the king instead.
The king was about to take a sip from his creamy corn soup, when something floated on top of the soup. The king dropped his spoon.
“THE-THERE’S A DEAD COCKROACH IN MY SOUP!!!” he cried.
“Well,” said Numbskull, now the king’s butler, in a butler-like smooth British accent,”if it’s dead, then why not just gulp it down?”
The king suddenly got up from his chair and grabbed the numbskull by the collar. “WHAT ART THOU SAYING?!! Get this soup out of my sight, or I’ll feed thee to the pigs!”
“Ye-yesiree sire!” said Numbskull. Then he took away the disgusting soup with the dead cockroach floating on top. Another servant gave the king a better soup.
‘Gurgle-gurgle-gurgle’ said Numbskull’s poor stomach. “Boy! I’m hungry!” He looked at the soup. Even the cockroach looked good to eat. Then he looked both ways and ‘gulp’!
After drinking the soup, Numbskull came back to the king’s side. “O king.”
“What?” snarled the king.
“As a token of my gratitude towards thee for not feeding me to the pigs, I’ll perform unto thee a bit o’ music! Some music on the piano!”
“Oh! Thou canst play the piano?” remarked the surprised king.
“Yups!” said Numbskull. Then his next strange move was to pick up some chopsticks that were used for picking up the sushi on the table and he walked towards the piano on the stage. “Wilt thou excuse me?” said Numbskull to the pianist. The pianist moved. Then Numbskull began to play Chopsticks with chopsticks!
“Bravo! bravo!” said the king, clapping his hands after Numbskull finished. A few others clapped too. Numbskull proudly bowed a few times to the crowd. “NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!!” shouted the king.
A few minutes later…
“Butler! Give me a potato!” ordered the king. “Get one fresh from the kitchen, the ones served here taste like over-cooked french fries!”
Numbskull, with a white towel hanging from his right arm, let his feet hit each other, and said these words. “Thou hast said it, and I wilt fulfil it. Thy wish is my command, m’lord!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, cut the formalities. JUST DO IT!!!”
But it was less than ten minutes later that Numbskull came back with a rotten tomato instead. “Thy wish is granted, my lord! I thought thou hast said ‘Give me a potato’, but then I realized, that wasn’t what the king said! He said, ‘Give me a tomato!’ This was the only one I could find, so, enjoy!”
Oh, the king was furious, and his face was red. . . red and wrinkled as the pickled plum itself. . .
But before the king could do anything, the big doors of banquet room opened.
In came in Thursday, clothed all in black: black coat, black shirt and trousers, and black shoes. On his head was a black tricorne. And in his hand. . . a deadly weapon.
“OK, people!” said the evil-looking Thursday. “Party’s over, ’cause ol’ papa goofy wanteth to play with dynamite!!!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
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One more Friday, and you will see the ‘epic’ climax of the Numbskull Chronicles!!!!!