Part 2: The Return of Captain Numbskull
Part 3: The Treasure of Ignoramus Rex
THE FINALE AND THE VOYAGE OF THE RUBBER DUCKY
‘Twas the year 1611…
There Thursday stood, clothed all in black, with all the people in the banquet hall staring at him with great surprise.
“Ha, ha, ha!” chuckled Thursday. “I hast ye all in my power now!”
“Wha-what’s this, Saturday?” said Numbskull. “I wot thee as a friend and I helped thee out of thy bonds…”
King Victoro of Fanaticostcosodor Island spoke, his eyes fixed on the old man before him, and his face as white as snow. “Dost thou wot what kind of a parasite that thou hast released?”
Numbskull the butler squinted his eyes at Thursday. Then he made a face of horror and grabbed the chair that the king was sitting on. Then he made the ‘I beg for mercy‘ pose and whined at the king.
“Oh, please! Oh, please, King! I beg of thee! Don’t tell me he’s Saruman!”
At that, the king slammed his fists on the table and looked at Numbskull with blood-red eyes. “Ye must have gone bananas!”
“I’d actually rather go peanuts.”
“. . . Whatever that means. . . Thou, a pirate, dost not know who he is? Some pirate thou art! And who’s Saruman anyways? Wait, I don’t care!”
Thursday took a few steps forward. It was then that Numbskull noticed Thursday’s slightly fat belly. “That’s weird,” thought Numbskull. “I thought he was as skinny as a skeleton!”
This is what the mysterious Thursday said: “I wilt now reveal my true identity, something that only this stinkbrain doesn’t know!”
Numbskull replied, “Stinkbrain, eh? Hm, good one! Rocks and stones may break ma’ bones, but words wilt never be a’hurtin’ me!”
“Oh, yeah? Well, then stop acting the goat!!”
“Acting the goat? Acting the goat? Didst thou just say ‘am actin’ the goat? Why, dost thou really take me for a goat? Well then I wilt show thee what the ‘goat’ is made out of!! CHARGE!!!!”
With that, Numbskull leaned his head and charged towards Thursday like a bull charging towards the matador’s red cloth, but Thursday brought him to an abrupt stop by simply holding his head with his right hand. Then Thursday pushed Numbskull’s hat down to his nose once again and with an “ATCHAA!!” he punched Numbskull and let poor Numbskull crash onto the floor using his kung fu.
Numbskull slowly raised his hat and looked up at Thursday. “Who art thou?”
Thursday looked around the room, at the many faces staring at him, and smiled. “Aye! That I wilt reveal! My name is Tyranno Saurus Rex!!”
Tyranno Saurus Rex? The Tyranno Saurus Rex? thought Numbskull.
“Yes! I am the Tyranno Saurus Rex!” said Tyranno Saurus Rex, for Numbskull said his thought aloud. “I am Tyranno Saurus, the former first mate of the great pirate lord, Ignoramus Rex! After his resignation from pirating and his taking his abode in this castle, I became the captain of The Idiosyncrasy, and changed the name of the ship to The Stinking Vulture! Then after I learned about the death of Ignoramus, I came here with my crew on The Stinking Vulture and five other ships to strike vengeance on Rex’s murderer, Victoro Cornmillius the Young Knight!” Then he pointed his finger at King Victoro. “You!”
“Yes,” said Victoro casually, “Yes, I think I was the one who squashed the insignificant little cockroach, with whom I fought with on the highest point of the castle, stabbed him with my sword in spite of him having two swords, and dumped him out into the sea from the top of this castle! And I canst tell thee that I had a good time watching him fall!”
Tyranno Saurus’s face turned red with anger and he shouted at the king. “How darest thou talk like that to me! And when we came to destroy thee and thy men, ye with wonderous tactics sent out thy fleet, which sunk all our ships, but with the loss of all thy ships! My flagship and thy admiral’s flagship were the last survivors of our fleets, and after a huge final battle, the last two ships simultaneously sunk. I was the only survivor of the whole sea battle, and thou hast imprisoned me for life! I’d rather have died with my men on board my sweet Stinking Vulture! And now, I wilt have my revenge on thee!!” Then he showed the king and the others the big red deadly dynamite that he was holding in his left hand. “See this, everyone? This baby can destroy all who art in this here room! Once I ignite it, then ‘BOOM!!!’ ‘Tis the end, understand?!! Unless!”
“Unless?” sneered the king.
“Unless ye, king of Fancypantsodor, wilt surrender to me the castle and all that is in it, including all the money in thy treasury, all thy servants, not including this here humbug, and flee! Flee to the outermost parts of this island, never to return, in exchange for thy life. How’s that for a fair bargain, eh? I am now offering thee thy life!”
Now it was the king’s turn to be angry. “HOW DARE YE DEFY MY AUTHORITY! I AM THE KING! SUBMIT TO ME, OR TASTE MY WRATH!!!!” he shouted.
Tyranno Saurus was rather taken aback at those words. Even Captain Numbskull was shocked, looking as if he got zapped by 1,000 volts.
“Well, er, so be it then”, said Tyranno.
“I’ve been a’wonderin’ ’bout thy fattish stomach!” said Numbskull. “Hast thou eaten Ignoramus Rex’s treasure?” Then he laughed hysterically. “Wha, ha, ha! That’s a good one! Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he, ho, ho, ho!”
“What dost thou mean, Ignoramus Rex’s treasure?” said the king.
Numbskull covered his mouth with his hand. “Ooops, I’d rather take all the jewels and gold in that box if possible,” he thought.
Saurus laughed. “YES!!! I DID eat Ignoramus Rex’s treasure!”
The whole room was filled with shock and confusion. Numbskull’s jaw dropped down to his chest.
“What!!?” panicked the king, looking around for his pet baby sloth. It was nowhere to be found. “Whe-where’s my baby sloth??! What hast thou done to my little sweetie pie?!!”
“That is what I want to ask myself! Where is it? In fact, it’s no sloth, it’s an imp! Numbskull!”
Numbskull only stared at nothing in particular, looking rather dense.
“Numbskull! Show me the little imp that came out of the box and stuck to thy face! At once I tell thee!”
Numbskull did not respond.
“WAKE UP YE FOOLISH ANIMAL!!! AND STOP SPACING OUT!!!”
“UHHH!!! What? What happened?” said Numbskull shaking his head. “Oh yeah. I remember know. Thou wert making a scene!”
“Making a scene? Now who’s the real person who’s making a scene, huh?”
“I donkair!” said Numbskull.
“Well, fine! Whatever!” Then he took a few more steps forward. “Remember the jewels and gold that are in the box?”
“SHHHH!!! Not so loud, Titano! I don’t want the king to wot about it!” yelled Numbskull.
“What’s all this about jewels and gold? And anyway, I want my sloth!!!” said the king, sucking his thumb.
“Well, after ye and the stinkin’ imp went out of the library, I came back to the library to check the treasure… MY treasure! And guess what?! All the gems, diamonds, and all… were NOTHING BUT PLASTIC!!! And the gold doubloons? CONFOUNDED HARSHLEY’S CHOCOLATE!!!”
For this is what happened: Approximately twenty minutes after Numbskull with the sloth on his face dashed out of the library, Captain Tyranno Saurus came back. he walked towards the lone box lying on the ground amidst broken ladders and ruined books. “What a mess!” said he. He kneeled and examined the treasure. He held one big diamond and felt it. “Wait a minute here, it feeleth… too light for a diamond the size as this!” It was after that that he noticed all the jewels were made out of plastic. “Confound Ignoramus’s foolish pranks! ‘Sniff, sniff, sniff’… Hmm… what’s that funny smell? It smells like… like cacao!” Then he held one of the gold coins. “WHAT IS THIS??!!! They’re soft!! … NOOOOOOO!!!!! CHOCOLATE!!! IGNORAMUS YE BIRDBRAIN!!!! This wilt make a good meal!” Then he gobbled them all up, wrappers and all, all three thousand pieces of them. Thus his fat stomach.
“And then a thought came unto me!” said Tyranno. “As I was chewing on the delicacies, I thought to myself: Wait a minute, Numbskull said he was looking for that treasure for seventeen years. Therefore that imp lived in that box for seventeen years! And it’s still a baby! A thing like that wilt be worth a lot of gold, especially on the Black Market! And therefore the treasure of Ignoramus Rex is NOT the Persian ring… IT’S THE IMP ITSELF!!! So I decided to come for it, when, at the moment I finished eating the ‘gold doubloons’, five guards came!”
It so happened that the five guards led by Captain Rockfort came to the library during the banquet and saw Tyranno sitting next to the treasure box. “Ha! We’ve got thee now! Guards, get him!!!”
But they didn’t know Tyranno Saurus knew kung fu…
“Yes, that’s what I did!!! I punched every single one of ’em out of the library window!”
“NOOO!!!” roared the king. “Thou shalt pay severely for this!”
“And after that, I found my old pirate clothes in the basement.”
Then Saurus continued. “I only ask for this: The imp and the castle with the goods, in exchange for thy life. Or else…” He shook his dynamite.
“I wilt not give thee anything, usurper of the throne!”
“Uh… king? Live forever!”
“What, Numbskull?” said the king in an irritated tone.
“Maybe it’s best if ye should be a’surrenderin’…”
The king grabbed Numbskull by the collar. “If ye say that one more time…”
“I SURRENDER!!!” whined Numbskull looking in Captain Saurus’s direction.
“Well, to settle things up,” said the corrupt pirate Captain Saurus, “I wilt say this one thing… thou shalt never catch me alive! I shall ignite this dynamite, which will explode in ten minutes, and shall perish with this beautiful palace with the treasure of Ignoramus Rex!”
Then he unrolled two long white strings connected to the dynamite and took out a match.
“All those who even make a single move towards this dynamite, shall be frizzled up by this pistol!”He took out his pistol from out of his coat pocket and threateningly showed it to the audience. Then he lighted his match and set the sparkling fire on one of the long white strings on the dynamite. ‘PSSSSHT!’ went the dynamite’s sparks. Then he laid it on the ground.
“Since this is going to be thy last day,” said he, “I wilt perform unto thee a bit o’music.”
Then he walked towards the platform where the orchestra was, saying “Arrrgh” as he did so, causing the six orchestra members to cower away in fear and to make a beeline for the king’s chair, and they all scooted behind the king for protection. The others in the room had faces of terror, but only the main servant, Mr. Robinsen Gruso, remained calm. He was standing near the orchestra’s stage. But his face was red with anger.
Then the evil Captain Tyranno Saurus picked up a six-stringed instrument and began tuning it.
“I wilt now play a song! And when this song’s finished, it will be ten minutes, and ‘BOOOM!’ Ha, ha, ha!”
“Doomsday, thou dost not have to do this!” said Numbskull.
“I told ye,” said Captain Saurus, “that appearances can be deceiving. It was my intention that, when the treasure was found, to finish thee with my knife!”
“Oh, yeah?!” said Numbskull. “If I knew who thou art, then I wouldst let thee walk the plank while ye were stillst in thy beautiful bird-cage!”
“Thou must see, O Captain Saurus,” said King Victoro,”that thou art badly outnumbered!”
“All ye people in this room art no match whatsoever for my pistol and dynamite! Now let’s get the music startin’ and get the rythym!”
Then he started strumming in A-minor cord, much to the king’s disgust.
He sang, “Oh!!!
Upon an isle he rested as he went along his way,
When all at once a mighty hoard of gold doubloons he saw,
A sparklin’ in the raging sea, and down dropped his old jaw!
Yippee Ay Yo! Yippee Ay Yay! Ghost doubloons in the sea!”
“I know this song!” thought Captain Numbskull. “Only three or so more verses to go! I must inform the king, somehow!”
Then, as unobviously as possible, he took out his pen and began scribbling a message on his white waiter’s towel. Then he slowly ripped that part up and, using his origami knowledge, he turned it into a “paper” airpane. Tyranno was too busy playing the guitar to notice.
“The coins were still unrusted and they made him want to steal
Every gold coin from the seabed and their smooth faces feel,
A bolt of fear went through him as he watched the coins go by,
For he saw the pirates swimming hard, and he heard their mournful cry!
Yippie ay yo! Yippie ay yay! Ghost pirates in the sea!”
“Gold ain’t rustin'” thought the king to himself. “All those years in prison must have made him go cuckoo. He’s raging mad!” It was at that moment when Numbskull aimed his “towel/paper” airplane at the king’s lap. “Huh? What’s this?” The king thought as he looked at the mysterious white airplane-like object on his lap. He took it, unfolded it, and saw these words:
“Zare art ornly abauts sree mor varshes leeft befor za shong endes!!? Ye bEtta com urp wirth ah plahn prettie shoon!
P. S. Aye donkair eef ye keap za trezure. Tzhem peaces av jurnk arnyways!'(*!+)”
“Whoa… this is so bad that I can hardly read this! He shouldst have gone to college to learn his grammar and spelling!” thought the king. Then he looked at Captain Rascal Numbskull. Numbskull winked at him. Then King Victoro looked at Mr. Gruso, standing next to a mysterious what-not… a lever. The king had a plan. He continued looking at Mr. Gruso, waiting for Gruso to have eye-contact at the king. When Gruso finally looked at the king with a sober face, the king motioned his head towards the lever that Mr. Gruso was standing near. Then he slowly and noiselessly snapped his right fingers and he nodded his head: the signal. Mr. Gruso understood and nodded back.
It was while Tyranno was singing the second verse that the king looked at the note. And it was after Numbskull winked that Numbskull noticed something move from the corner of his eye. Slowly he moved his head toward the direction of the movement.
Behold, the dynamite was moving, all by itself… to the direction of Tyranno Saurus Rex!
“I must be a’seein’ things!” thought Numbskull. Then with his eyes he followed the other white string on the dynamite, the one without the sparks, that seemed to be pulling the dynamite. And…
The sight that met him made him want to scream! But, fortunately, he didn’t.
The sloth was slowly moving towards Tyranno, with the white string snagged onto the sloth’s left feet’s toenails!
Robinsen Gruso also saw the strange sight, and his mouth was agape. “What on earth…” He and Numbskull, a few meters apart from each other, watched as the sloth creeped towards Tyranno’s feet. For in Tyranno’s black boots, there were hidden some chocolate money. The sloth moved around his legs, without even Tyranno noticing, causing the white string to wind around his right leg. The sloth, with about five pieces of gold-paper-wrapped round chocolates in his hands, was now free from the white string.
Now Tyranno began singing the third verse of “Ghosts Pirates in the Sea“…
“Their faces scarred, their eyes all black, their shirts all soaked with sweat,
They’re swimming hard to grab that gold, but they ain’t got ’em yet,
‘Cause they got to swim forever in that sea beneath the sky,
The ghost sharks coming for them, as they swim on hear their cry!
Oh! Yippie aye yo! Yippie ay yay!
Ghost pirates in the sea!
Ghost pirates in the sea!
Ghost pirates in… THE DIRT!!!”
With a snap of the king’s fingers, Mr. Robinsen Gruso pulled the lever in a flash! “Now, Gruso! Now!”
“Er, oh oh…” said Tyranno, in mid air.
The trapdoor beneath Captain Tyranno Saurus Rex was opened… and down he went, taking the guitar… and the dynamite along with him…
“AHHHHH!!!!!” screamed Tyranno as he went down the black hole, white hair and beard flowing upwards as he fell…
“YES, VICTORY!!!” shouted the king in triumph! All the rest of the people in the room cheered along with him. The ol’ clumsy Captain Rascal Numbskull did a little tap dance towards the trapdoor, with his arms crossed. He looked down the hole.
“Sic semper tyrannis, yon humbug! That’s what’s happeneth to clumsy oafs like a thee!”
“Ha, ha, ha!” laughed the king jollily. “I doth not use that trapdoor very often, eh?” The orchestra smiled and laughed along with him, for they were too good at music for the trapdoor punishment.
“Er, sire? Where doth this black hole leadeth?” asked Numbskull.
“It leadeth to the foundations of this castle, where I keepeth all my pet crocodiles and dragons!”
“Hmm,” thought Captain Numbskull. Then in his puny brain he thought of the dynamite.
“Uh, king, live forever!”said he.
“What? Canst thou stop saying that! It getteth on my nerves!”
“Well, I wast going to be a’sayin’: A boom in the root would mean the tumblin’ of the bricks!”
The king was thoughtful for a few seconds. “Hmm… what canst that possibly mean…” Then suddenly, to the surprise of the audience, the king jumped to his feet.
“By the hairs of my whiskers, you’re right! Everybody, calm down! Calm down… like me!” Then the king panicked. “Aaaaaughh!! Everybody, action stations! All hands on deck! Women and children first!” Then he tried to calm down. “Everybody, listen to me! Sooner or later, the dynamite will explode… IN THE FOUNDATION OF THE CASTLE!!! Hurry up and escape, run for thy lives! It wilt go ‘BOOM’ any minute now! Aaaaugh!!”
And so they ran, all the people in the castle, ran for all they were worth, out the banquet room. As he ran, Numbskull grabbed a chicken leg to munch on along the way. Then he paused and looked at the delicious-looking food on the table. “Mmmm… To eat or not to eat, that is the question!”
The people ran down the hallways and down the many steps: king, servants, a few guards, cooks, and clumsy oaf of a pirate. Numbskull, as he ran, thought he heard someone singing from somewhere underneath… the fourth verse of “Ghost Pirates in the Sea”...
Outside the castle, all was peace and quiet. The birds were singing in the trees, the villagers in the nearby village were chatting with each other as they were doing their everyday chores, afar breeze was blowing… when all of a sudden the doors of the castle’s entrance burst open and all the people in the castle blasted out of the castle with the king in the lead.
And at the end of the line, ran Numbskull, huffing and puffing, chewing on fruit, vegetables, meat, junk food, and pasta, carrying them all in his two arms. And so he was running like a chicken, when he finished eating a banana and… “Mmmm! Yeah! Zis the best tastin’ babaner and food I’ve ever been a’tastin’!” Then he threw the banana peel in front of him and ‘Whoop!’ went Numbskull and his dinner, and ‘Splat!’
“Get as yonder apart from the castle as ye possibly can! I canst hear some rubblings!” shouted the king in panic. Then he saw poor Numbskull, covered with squished food, lying on the ground. And so the king ran back towards Numbskull and dragged him away from the spot.
No sooner had the king done this, when…
The whole castle shook, the flames burst forth from the bricks, smoke covered the whole entire castle… the explosion had occured in the foundations of the castle…
Down went the brown brick castle in all its grandeur, brick after brick, floor after floor. Pretty soon, all that was left was only a small hill of smoking piled up red and brown bricks…
“NO! My castle! My beautiful beautiful castle! All in ruins!” Then the king bent his knees and wept.
Numbskull came up from behind him and put his left hand upon the king’s right shoulder. “Ma’ condor-lences… I meaneth condolences…”
“And thank ye for helpin’ me out of there! I could have been a’roasted if me was been a still in there!”
“Please speak proper English!” said the king.
Then Numbskull looked at the big pile of rubble and gasped. “Oh, no! The castle, the treasure of Ignoramus Rex, Captain Sirus, the sloth, all destro…” Then the numbskull of a numbskull of a Captain Numbskull shrieked in terror.
“THE SLOTH!!! THE SLOTH!!! WHERE IS THE BABY SLOTH?!?!?!?!?!”
The king stood up from his weeping. “Yes, the sloth! My cute little sloth! Wah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!!” wept the king like a child who broke a toy.
Numbskull took off his hat and looked at the pile of bricks. “We will always remember thee, baby sloth. I wilt therefore be a’callin’ thee… Bingo.”
“And why, if I may ask, art thou going to call it ‘Bingo’?… Er, wait a minute, nevermind. The reason wilt just turn out to be just a bunch of useless mumbo jumbo anyway.”
Then Numbskull took out his castanets from out of his coat, played it with his left hand, and pretended to strum a guitar with his right hand. And dancing an Irish folk dance, he sang…
“Oh! There was a king who had a sloth, and Bingo was his name-o,
B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o!”
And strumming his “air guitar” a little faster, he continued…
And on that farm he had a sloth, E-I-E-I-O!
And an ‘Aaa-Aaa’ there and an ‘Aaa-Aaa’ there!
Here ‘Aaa’, there ‘Aaa’, everywhere an ‘Aaa-Aaa’!
Old MacGeezer had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!
“Ahh! Captain Rockfort! There thou art!” said the king paying no attention to Rascal.
Captain Rockfort and the four other guards walked nimbly towards the king and the former residents of the castle.
“Oh, goody! It’s nice to see thee all well and alive, sir!” said Numbskull taking off his hat to the Captain of the King’s Guards.
It was then when Captain Rockfort took off the full-face helmet…
Behold… a tall and slender beautiful blond-haired woman stood, with long hair flowing gracefully with the wind.
“Uh… uh… uh… uh… uh…uh… uh…uh… ‘gulp’, oh, hi… ma’am…” fidgeted Numbskull, face all red with embarassment.
“May I present unto thee, Captain Amelia Rockfort,” said the king to Numbskull.
Just then, Robinsen Gruso ran towards Amelia, face bright with happiness. “Oh, Amelia! I thought Captain Saurus killed thee!”
“No, he didn’t my dear! But still, it was quite a fall!” said Amelia.
Numbskull scooted close to the king. “Duh… Canst thou tell me at least what’s goin’ on?”
The king smiled at Numbskull. “Well, Numbskull, Captain Amelia Rockfort is the fiancée of Mr. Robinsen Gruso! They art going to be married next week in my most beautiful castle…” The king turned his head back to the rubble. “Nothin’ doin’…”
Numbskull went to where Captain Amelia and Robinsen Gruso were standing. “Whoa! As the late Wednesday used to say, appearances can be deceiving!”
Amelia Rockfort asked, “Who’s Wednesday?”
But Numbskull didn’t respond, for he was thinking of something else.
“Wait, king! Where’s thy Queen? We must save the Queen!” screeched Captain Numbskull, who was going to dash towards the “castle” hadn’t the king stopped him by grabbing him by the collar.
“No worries, my dear Englishman.”
Numbskull was happy to be called that… for the second time.
“My dear Queen Rosemary is now in France trying to buy the great Leaning Tower of Pisa for a nice decoration in my lawn!”
“Oh… I see… but what’s the Queen doing, a’tryin’ to buy the Leaning Tower of Pizza in France? Ain’t pizza from Italy? And why didn’t ye go with her?”
The king was thoughtful for a few moments. Then realization struck him.
“By the metal bars of the Eiffel Tower, you’re right! We must go to France to tell the Queen to go to Italy to buy the Leaning Tower of Pisa! Oh, what fools we were! And I didn’t go beacause I am allergic to the fleur-de-lis! Just by thinking about it makes me want to… ATCHOOOO!” (fleur-de-lis = lily)
“Wouldst thou be needin’ a tissue?”
“No, thanks. Thank you kindly.”
“No! No! I insist!” Then Numbskull put his hand in his coat in search for the tissue paper when he found something different… a bone…
“Aha! Huh? This ain’t a tissue… it’s a bone!”
The king looked shocked. “Uh… Whose bone?”
“It ain’t WHOSE bone, thou idiot! It’s a chicken bone!” Then Numbskull started to poke the king with the bone. “I hast a bone to pick with thee!”
But the king grabbed the bone from Numbskull’s skinny hand and threw it into the sea. Then he raised his hand to strike at the captain.
“How darest thou touch my costly raiment with thy disgusting chicken bone!” But the king lowered his hand, for the villagers had come to gaze upon the fallen castle and to comfort the king and the others. The king announced these words: “Men and women of Fanaticostcosodor Island! This hath been the 40th year of my reigning this island. 40 years ago, by my slaying the former king of this island, Ignoramus Rex, at the age of twenty-two, I became the king. But now it seemeth, the time hath come for me to resign. The castle is all in ruins, and my wife is trying to buy the Leaning Tower of Pisa in France!” So saying he threw down his golden crown in frustration. “But,” said he picking up his crown, “I, and all the rest of the people in the castle, owe our lives to one particular person! All ye citizens of Fanaticostcosodor Island! May I present unto thee all, KING RASCAL NUMBSKULL THE FIRST!”
“Hurrah! Hurrah!” screamed and cheered the crowd to celebrate the new king of the island, but some of them were booing.
Then the king kneeled before clumsy Captain Numbskull, and all the other citizens of the island kneeled with him. There Numbskull stood, speechless with confusion.
“Wha-what’s this?” exclaimed Numbskull. “And it ain’t ma’ birthday!”
“Thou art now the rightful king of this amazing castle… now a pile of rubbish!”
Numbskull stood there motionless, looking at the castle with a slight frown on his face. “Uh… Well, I never… er… thanks?”
“If thou hadst not said these words: ‘A boom in the root would mean the tumblin’ of the bricks,’ we all wouldst have been nothing but ashes by now! I take my hat off to thee, my ‘king’!”
“I’d rather take thy crown!” said Captain Numbskull, snatching away the golden crown from the king’s strong hands and putting it on top of his pirate hat. “And if it wasn’t for Bingo… I wouldst have been fried chicken!”
Just then, Robinsen Gruso came up to the king and said,” Sire? The only ship of this island the Queen took when she left for France, thy luxury ship, The Golden Swan.”
Victoro Cornmillius put his hand under his chin. “Hmm… thou art right. We hast no way to go to France to tell the Queen to go to Italy to…”
“Hush, shush!” said King Captain Numbskull, who stood on a small pile of bricks, proudly looking upon the people of the island with half-closed eyes and lifted-up head. He remarked proudly, “Hear, hear ye people of Fishflake Island…”
“Fishflake Island?” said the former king.
“Dost thou have any complaints whatsoever, O Bintoro? OR WOULDST I HAVE TO HAVE THEE WALK THE PLANK??!!” (Bintoro= Albacore sushi)
“Er… sorry. And my name is not Bintoro, it’s Victoro.”
“Victoro, Bintoro, Vitamin C… Whatever! Hear, hear ye people of Frypan Island!” said Numbskull. “There mayeth not be any way to go to France, ye say, but no! That’s not the case! How do ye think I came to this here island. On horseback? No! By swimming? No! By flying? Absolutely not! On stinky slimy flying fish? No! By dragon-bus? No! By adding one to one and getting four billion and getting kicked out of college by my math teacher, Sir Alberot Aintstein? NOOO!!! I, THE GREAT CAPTAIN RASCAL NUMBSKULL, hath a beautiful ship of ma’own! It’s called… THE RUBBER DUCKY!!!”
Laughter roared from the audience.
“The Rubber Ducky ye say?” said an old fisherman. “What a joke!”
“Where’s thy crew anyways?” said one of the king’s guards, Nit Bumperstickers to be precise. “Thou needest a crew for thy journey to France, O king Numbskull!”
“To be precise,” said Nit’s friend Wit Crackerjacks, “thou needest a journey of French fries for thy crew!”
“Silence, you two!” said Victoro. “Cut thy jabberings! The answer is all too simple! Some of us wilt be joining Numbskull’s new crew! And, if he wilt have me, I wilt be one of ’em!”
Some gasps came from the crowds. Really? Would the once proud and magnificent king of Fanaticostcosodor Island really be the crewmember of a one horribly idiotic clumsy pirate captain with an itty-bitty brain?
“Of course!” said Numbskull happily. “I wilt gladly promote thee to First Mate!”
“It’s an honor, Captain!”
“I wanteth to be joining, too!” said Nit. “I’ve always wanted to sail the Seven Seas!”
“To be precise, me too!” said Wit.
“And if ye guys wanteth to be going on a long journey,” said the King Victoro’s main chef, Kazamarty Looksmarty, “then ye wilt be needing a good ol’ chef!”
“And as I’m a professional fisherman,” said the old fisherman, who went by the name of Charlie Tolkinmeyers. “I wilt be glad to be helping thee with thy supplies!”
“Good! Very good!” said Numbskull. “I must say, this is the happiest day in all ma’ laff! OK, Chefy! Thou canst pack up thy cooking goods and some food supplies! Ye two rather chubby-lookin’ gentlemen… wait a minute! Ye put that straitjacket on me, didn’t ye?”
“I must say, we’re so sorry! And by the way, my name’s Nit.”
“Precisely! And by the way, my name’s Wit!”
“Forgiveness granted! Go pack thy things, Nit, Wit, and, er… Fishhook!” Charlie had a fishhook on his blue hat.
“Er… my name’s Charlie Tolkinmeyers…”
“Oh, king,” said Robinsen to the former king, Victoro. “I wanteth to be with thee wherever thou goest!”
Victoro laid his hands on Robinsen’s shoulder’s. “I knoweth thy feelings, my kind servant. Thou hast a big job to do here… to take care of these islanders while we art gone.”
“Yes, sire”, said Robinsen Gruso. “I wilt do as thou commandest!”
“In fact!” said Numbskull. “I don’t really care if I’m the king or not of this junk pile. I canst be the figurehead… no… I don’t really care about being that either… I wanteth King Victoro Cornchips to be the figurehead of this island, and Mr. Grillso can serve as Prime Minister of the island! After all, he wast the one who pulled that certain lever and dropped Cap’n Soysauce down the trash-bin! I wilt therefore remain Captain Rascal Numbskull of the Seven Seas!”
“Let’s go, Captain! The sooner the better!” said Victoro.
Pretty soon, after many goodbyes and farewells, the six-some walked towards where Numbskull’s ship lay moored: Numbskull, Victoro, Nit, Wit, the fisherman, and the chef.
Some palm trees they passed, and soon they came to a lone palm tree by the sea.
“Gents! May I present unto ye… THE RUBBER DUCKY!” said Numbskull.
The other five feasted their eyes on the ship tied to the palm tree… a raft made out of nothing but rotten wood with an old broom for a mast and some taped up toilet paper for sails.
“IT’S A PIECE OF JUNK!!!” yelled Nit and Wit in dismay.
“Wilt this even float?” asked the fisherman.
“Fine! I’m done!” said the chef. Then he turned back the way he came, leaving the supplies. “Keep the supplies! I doth not think I’ll be sorry for not going on this foolhardy trip!”
“And when we cometh back, I’ll promise to dump a bucket full of stinkin’ rottin’ fish on top of thy head!”
Victoro only stood there speechless with disappointment.
“Numbskull, I must say I’m a bit disappointed!”
But Numbskull was angry. “HOW DAREST YE THINK LIGHTLY OF MA’ BEEEEAUUUUTIFUL SHIP! A piece of junk ye says?! I have sailed this baby for seventeen years, across the Seven Seas! And I’ll wilt shew thee what this baby is made out of!”
“It’s made out of rotten wood, as far as I can see!” said Victoro. “I sure hope nothing bad wilt happen when we set off on our… rather perilous voyage!”
And so they boarded the Rubber Ducky and embarked, with all the islanders waving and cheering as they left.
“Bon Voyage!” shouted Robinsen Gruso, with his will-be wife standing next to him.
“Adieu and adios!” said Captain Numbskull.
“Farewell!” said King Victoro.
“Three cheers for the king and the islanders!” said Nit ‘n Wit.
“Goodbye! Don’t forget about me!” said Charlie the fisherman.
“Bah humbug!” said the ill-tempered chef, face all red in frustration, who was now with the crowd.
The six-member orchestra had brought along their expensive instruments when they evacuated the castle, all except the poor guitarist, Simonus Garfunnkellio, who had to play the “drums” using his fat belly while the others, Hedgewig van Brackovenius, who was the leader playing the cello, Rossella Giorvanno, the violinist, Amanda Moresstart, the flutist, Julius van Vernus, the trumpeter, and Johann Stephanbach Jacksonstyle, the pianist (In fact he was so strong, that he carried his grand piano all the way from the castle to the green lawn outside), played “The Throne Room“.
A very beautiful sunset, its orange color gleaming in the horizon, was now making a striking appearance, as if celebrating the moment.
In the forest, not so distant from the crowd and the fallen castle, on a branch high up in a tree, Bingo the heroic sloth perched, looking at the departure of Captain Numbskull and his crew. “Aaa! Aaa!” it said.
Suddenly, a dark object fluttered around the tree branch and perched on the same branch as the sloth… a raven… the raven that stared ominously in the eyes of Numbskull…
“OK! Ma’ crew! Hoist the main sail! Set course for France!” said Captain Numbskull, looking at his compass that he took out of his coat pocket.
“Aye, aye, Captain!” said the crew, doing what the captain commanded and rowing the raft with paddles.
“So, Cap’n! Which way may we be a’headin’?” said Victoro, who suddenly changed to pirate-mode, as he raised a spyglass to his eye.
“Uh, well, er, First Mate?” said Numbskull.
“Yes, Captain?” said Victoro.
“Which way… er… is France?”
Victoro and the rest stared at Numbskull for a few moments. “Thou dost not know?” said Victoro. “Why, I dost not know either! But I know chess!”
“Chess? What’s chess?” said the captain.
“Oh! I thought that game was called ‘Candy Sprinkles’!”
“Because ma’ granny used to give me candy sprinkles every tam’ I played ‘chest’ with her in exchange for ma’ losing the game on purpose!”
He would lose anyway, without even doing it on purpose, thought the king. “Well, once we get to France, I might as well play a game of chess with thee at my chess grandchampion uncle’s mansion!”
“Wow!” said Numbskull. “He must be as old as Gandalf by now!”
The fisherman knew more about directions, so he told Numbskull that the way to go… was South.
“Well, then!” said Numbskull. “Bring me that horizon!”
“We also haveth relatives in France! We two are cousins, and a few of our relatives, including our fathers, are noblemen and noblewomen in Paris,” said Nit Bumperstickers.
“To be precise, we are two noble-cousins who haveth fathers and mothers who eateth French fries in Paris,” said the rather dull-witted Wit.
“Gibberish!” said Victoro.
“Well, all’s well that ends well, ain’t that right?” said Numbskull.
Then he opened a box full of rum. “As a token of ma’ gratitude, I wilt give thee each one bottle of rum!” After distributing them, he opened his own bottle and took a big draw from his bottle of rum, and sang, “Yo ho, yo ho! A pirates life for me!… Drink up me hearties! Yo ho!”
Then they all clanked their bottles to each other.
“All for one, one for all!”
Then suddenly, eight gigantic red tentacles emerged from the water!
All the islanders watching from the island and the crew on the “boat” gasped in astonishment.
“I-I-It’s the Kraken!!!” yelled the fisherman on Numbskull’s raft.
The cute little baby sloth perched on a tree was so surprised… that it spat something out of his mouth…
What was it?
The item the sloth, Bingo, was holding…
Was the Ring of Ignoramus Rex!
The sea monster, was about to close in it’s deadly tentacles on the little raft, when…
“I-I-It’s the Diby-Mock!!” screamed Robinsen Gruso in terror.
A huge white mouth of a gigantic white whale, even bigger than the Kraken, burst forth from the sea, enclosing the Kraken…and alas…
Then the Diby-Mock shut its mouth and dove into the dark unknown depths of the sea…
Captain Rascal Numbskull will sail the Seven Seas…
Quote the raven:
by Joshua Makoto Swanson
Thus ends The Chronicles of Numbskull!
Copyright©2018 – All Rights Reserved! 🙂
End Credits… Theme Song: The Nutcracker
———————- CAST ———————-
Captain Rascal Numbskull – Mr. Anonymous Glassesman (The Man In The Picture)
King Victoro Cornimillius (Sir Victoro Cornmillius the Young Knight)/ First Mate Victoro – Bernard Hill
Robinsen Gruso / Prime Minister Robinsen Gruso – Tom Hanks
Captain Amelia Rockfort – Gwendoline Christie