“The Chronicles of Numbskull: Combined Edition” was my 100th post! Yippee!
“The Chronicles of Numbskull: Combined Edition” was my 100th post! Yippee!
Here are all 5 stories from The Chronicles of Numbskull, a mixture of comedy, mystery, suspense, a little bit of romance, and a little bit of melodrama.
‘Twas the year 1777…
King Victoro, the king of an island near England, was sitting on his throne, when suddenly the doors of the throne room opened and one of his servants, Mr. Gruso, came to him and said, “O King, we hast brought unto thee a prisoner.”
“Good. Bring him hither for interrogation!”
The doors of the throne room opened once more and there came in two guards with a prisoner between them, a rather dumb-looking man with spectacles and a black pirate hat. The poor man was wrapped up in a white strait jacket.
“Who art thou? And what is thy purpose here?” asked the king.
“Well, uh… let me have the honor of speaking to thee in words.”
“Of course thou speakest with words! Now answer my questions!”
“Sure thing, mister. My name’s Cap’n Numbskull!”
The king raised his brow. “Oh… oh, really… and thy purpose here?”
Captain Numbskull replied in a proud manner, “Me, Cap’n Numbskull, has been a’lookin’ for a bit o’ treasure. A map that I have been a’followin’ led I to this certain palace. So, me was a’lookin’ around when all of a sudden two gentlemen came and seized me like… like I was a fish!!”
The king became both interested and annoyed.
“Hidden treasure? In my palace? Well, I guess that maketh it MY treasure, am I wrong?”
“Of course thou art wrong!! I’ve been a’searchin’ for this treasure for seventeen years! Seventeen years! And I advise thee to stay away from my merchandise!!” squeaked Captain Numbskull.
“WHA-WHAT DIDST THOU SAY?!!” the king bellowed. “I am the great king of this island, Fanaticostcosodor Island, who will one day conquer all England. And ye come to me with disgrace? Intolerable! I advise thee to submit to me, OR TASTE MY WRATH!!!”
The pirate captain looked both dense and aghast, with his tongue sticking out.
“I-I’m so terrifyingly sorry! I didst not mean to make thee so… whiny… and I, THE GREAT CAPTAIN NUMBSKULL, shalt therefore submit to thee, rather than getting hanged for treason…and I shalt hereby kneel to thee, O King… King… uh, King Whateverthynameis!” gobbled Numbskull with his rather obnoxious voice.
But what he said next let out a gasp from everyone in the room.
“Your Majestink”, he said as he kneeled. “I am thy most humbug servant!”
And therefore Captain Numbskull was kicked out of the palace.
TO BE CONTINUED…
‘Twas the year 1777…
Captain Numbskull, the pirate captain of The Rubber Ducky, slowly and painfully got to his feet and looked up at the large window from which he was kicked out of.
“Oh, boy, what a fall!” he said as he straightened his spectacles as best as he could by flexing his face muscles.
For what happened was this: The king, in his wrath and anger, with swift movements, jumped out of his throne and kicked the numbskull of a Numbskull out of a open window.
“Thank ma’ lucky stars ‘am still alive! ‘Twas about a 100 feet fall!” And looking left and right, he said,”Now for that treasure! Yippee!”
He moved as fast as he could with the miserable strait jacket tied around him, his rather strange running style making him look like an ostrich. He ran into a small wooded area next to the castle, where he will be less spotted by the king’s men.
“Hello, what’s this?” he questioned himself as he stood near some trees next to the brick outer wall of the castle. “Ain’t this what I was a’lookin’ for… another entrance into the castle?”
What he found was an old wooden trapdoor with rusting hinges embedded into the dirt, mostly covered with grass.
Then with his feet, he opened the mysterious trapdoor and looked down. Behold: Nothing but pitch blackness…
“Well… I… um… er…” he mumbled as he hesitated. “Ok, ol’ Numbskull… here goes a’nuttin’!” With that he plunged into the hole. “AYE-AYE-YAH!!” said he as he fell.
“Ooof!” He landed. “Uh… what is this place?” He was now in an old cellar, a dungeon in fact.
“Who, who art thou?” said an old creepy voice.
The hairs on the back of the captain’s neck stood up at the unexpected voice. As he squinted his eyes and looked around, he spotted a cage connected to the dungeon wall, a cage with an old man inside, a very old-looking man with long white hair, a bushy white moustache and beard, and ragged clothes.
“Er… g’mornin’! Art thou Santa Claus?” asked Captain Numbskull.
The old man answered, “Not on thy life.”
Numbskull continued,”Art thou… Master Yoga?”
“Out of the question!”
“Then art thou… a sasquatch?”
“A sasqua.. what art thou talking about?! …What’s a sasquatch?”
“A big hairy creature that eateth humans! Other than that, I have no idea whatsoever. Who art thou anyways?”
The prisoner pondered for a few moments. “For years, decades it seemeth, I have been imprisoned in this miserable bird cage, so… I hast forgotten my name! …But I doth remember this one thing… my friends used to call me… Pistachio Penguin!”
“P-P-Pistachio Penguin??!” cried Numbskull in wonder. “What kind of a name is that?!”
“Well, when I was younger, I used to eat pistachios so much that I got too fat, and I walked just like a penguin… thus the name, Pistachio Penguin… savvy?”
“Duh… But why pistachios? It soundeth boring! Why not almonds? They’re bigger and healthier…”
“Well, enough of this!” said Pistachio Penguin. “Wilt thou be so kind as to free me from this stinkin’ prison? Here, I hast nothin’ to eat but rotten eggs and stale bread, washed down by rotten low-fat goat’s milk, given to me by that filthy little king’s brattish guards!”
“I wilst help thee, if it weren’t for this stupid striped jackal… whatever it’s called, then I couldst free thee with ma’ hands! But I’ll try to try ma’ best!” Then he started jumping up and down, getting ready for action. “OK, mister. I’ll try to free thee out of thy miserable dwelling place!”
Up and down he jumped, kicking at the iron bars as he did so. “Take that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and…”
The old man, who was chewing his beard, said,”Please don’t make too much noise… And thou lookest like a chicken!”
Numbskull abruptly stopped and looked at the old man, “And would thou please stop actin’ the goat!”
Pistachio Penguin stopped chewing his beard,”Huh?”
Twenty minutes later, with a final kick from Numbskull’s weakening legs, the jail doors burst open, and Pistachio Penguin was free!
“I can’t find enough words to thank thee, sir! I thank thee, I thank thee from my heart! Tell me what I canst do to return thy kindness!”
Numbskull looked as proud as ever. “No need to thank me ol’ geezer. I just did what I must, nothing more, nothing less. How old art thou, O Pistachio Penguin anyways? Thou lookest like thou art at least two thousand years old! And thou canst repay me by freeing me from my bonds as well.”
“I am fourscore and eight years old! I knowest that because I have kept track of all the years of my imprisonment by making notches on the wall with this here knife!” And taking his knife from out of his coat pocket, and with one swift movement, he cut the stait jacket right smack in the middle.
“EEEEEEK!!!” screamed Numbskull as the strait jacket fell to the floor. “I thoughtest thou wert goin’ to be a’killin’ me! And by the way… stank ye very much for the cuttin’ of ma’ bonds! And I hast forgotten to tell thee… my name is Captain Rascal Numbskull!”
“Oh… oh, really,” said the old man, whose face had clouded up and who was looking at the oafish captain shrewdly. “And… you’re welcome.”
Numbskull looked at the knife the old man was holding. “Wait a moment there… if you had a knife… then why didn’t ye just unlock the door with it thyself?!”
The old man looked down upon his knife. “Well I never… You’re right! What a fool I was!” Then he returned the knife to its original place, face red with anger to himself and embarrassment.
Numbskull thought, “Hmm? Fourscore and eight? Whatever the world does that meaneth? Hmm…”
Then from his coat pocket, Numbskull took out a pen and began scribbling something on the strait jacket which he picked up.
“What the prickly porcupine quills art thou doing, huh?”
“I, the great Cap’n Numbskull, has been a’doin’ some elementary calculations, and I hast come to the fantastic conclusion, that thou art eight hundred eighty-eight point fifty-four years old!” Then snapping his fingers and pushing his spectacles up like a smarty, he said, “Oh, yeah! I’m a wonderful genius sparkling with a good ol’ brain!”
But it was less than ten seconds later that Captain Numbskull lay sprawled out on the floor with his pirate hat pushed down to his throat. TO BE CONTINUED…
‘Twas the year 1777…
“WHY DIDST I DO THAT FOR!!!” roared the king of Fanaticostcosodor Island, King Victoro, as he stomped around his throne room. “I shouldst have kept that foolish nutty little numbskull alive for a well-deserved public hanging! Aaargh!!”
“Er, sire? Wha-what if he still liveth?” said the king’s main servant, Robinsen Gruso.
At that the king suddenly changed to attack mode. “Well, find him!” he barked.”Find him and bring him to me dead or alive. Either way I will have his map, and,” the king made an evil smile, “the treasure will be mine!” Then he ordered his guards to search outside the castle for their lost prisoner, the venerable Captain Rascal Numbskull of the Seven Seas.
At that moment they heard a loud ‘Clang! Clang!’ coming from somewhere underneath.
“What was that?” asked Robinsen Gruso to the king.
“It better not be our old prisoner imprisoned down below. It wilt not be good if he escapes, wilt it?” said the king, twitching his graying blond mustache.
Then they heard a scream.
“That soundeth like Numbskull’s obnoxious voice! Find him! Find him NOW!!!”
With that fifteen of the king’s guards dispersed.
“Ahhh” said the king, letting out a deep sigh of distress as he sat back on his throne. “I needest something to calm me down!!”
Then he requested his small orchestra standing near him on a low platform on his right, to play “The Raiders March” for him. Then he proceeded to take off his crown and put on his fedora. . .
Meanwhile. . .
“WHY DIDST THOU DO THAT TO ME FOR?!!” whined Captain Numbskull as he slowly and painfully got to his feet, straightening his hat and pushing his spectacles back to their proper place on his nose.
“That was to teach thee a lesson: to be cautious of your actions. And just to warn thee… appearances can be deceiving and I knoweth kung fu”, said the old man.
“And ye betta watch out ’cause I’d be a’knowin’ yoga!!” said Numbskull.
The old man squinted his eyes at him and crossed his arms. “That willnae help thee much, wilt it? And by the way, ye shouldst have gone to college to learn thy math!”
“Actually, I have,”proclaimed Numbskull proudly. “I, the great Captain Numbskull, has been a’graduatin’ from the University of Fanatic Oafs… and I canst tell thee this one thing, that that place is NOT the place for intellectuals like me!”
Pistachio Penguin looked at him with mouth gaped wide. “The University of Fanatic Oafs? No wonder why thy mathematical skills are horribly down under… Also, I must add, ye dost not know how to speak to thy superiors.”
“Art thou sayin’ that ye is bein’ MA’ superior, Mr. Pineapple Pumpkin Pelican Pajamas, uh, sorry, Pen Pineapple Apple Pen, er, whatever?”
“It’s Pistachio Penguin. My friends used to call me that because when I was young, I eateth pistachios so much that I becometh fat and I walketh like a penguin.”
“Ha, ha, ha. . . er, wait a minute. . . ye said that already!”
“Oh, did I?”
“Yes, and for some reason I findeth that name not to my liking. What day is it today?”
“Huh? Now what on earth art thou talking about?” Then the old man looked at the thirty-seven years worth of notches made by his knife on his prison wall. “Well, looks like today’s Thursday!”
“Then”, said Numbskull, pretending to knight the old man with his right arm, “from this day forward, thou shalt be known as. . . Thursday!!”
“. . . Why?”
“Because it’s easier to say and it maketh more sense… and today is Thursday, the day ye are released!”
Then Numbskull made a serious expression. “I hast something to show thee, something extremely important.”
“What is it?”said Thursday in the tone of an irritated person.
Then Numbskull took a piece of parchment from out of one of his coat pockets. “Dost thou know what this is?”
“I knoweth not. Thy certificate of clumsiness, perhaps?”
“No, no, no, and NO!!! This is the map that leadeth to the treasure of great pirate king, Ignoramus Rex, the evil pirate captain of his flagship, The Idiosyncrasy, and he owned fifteen other ships. It is said that this great pirate lord sailed the Seven Seas and has found a certain valuable treasure in a cave in an island near Persia, the lost ring of an ancient Persian prince that is said to be made out of nothing but solid gold! Embedded in the ring is a veeeery expensive red pearl of enormous price! I want thee to help me find this treasure, a treasure that I has spent seventeen years lookin’ for it, said to be worth about fifteen thousand gold doubloons! It’s somewhere in this castle. If we findest it, mark me words we shall most certainly find it, then I’ll be rich and I can buy dozens of ships and become a pirate admiral! And to show thee ma’ gratitude, I wouldst give thee one- fiftieth of the booty. . . savvy?”
“Well, uh, I see not a reason to decline. But, Ignoramus Rex?. . . Never heard of him. Where is he now?”said Thursday.
“Alas,” said Numbskull in a gloomy voice, “he was killed about half a century ago by a young knight named Victoro Cornmillius. . .”
“What! Victoro?! Why, he is the king of this island!”
“Oh, boy, oh, boy! What a major coincidence! More the reason to find the treasure before the king does! I’d like to have my revenge on that sulky ol’ King Corn!”
“Well, then. If ye wilt have me as thy fellow treasure hunter, I’d be too glad to help!” said Thursday excitedly.
So Numbskull showed him his treasure map. “We art here”, said he, pointing to the castle on the map.
“Undoubtly so”, said Thursday. “The X here marks the spot of the treasure, yeah, that’s great, but we needeth more clues!. . . Hey, wait a minute, what art those small letters at the bottom of the map?”
“Eh? What? Where?” said Numbskull densely.
Thursday snatched the paper away from Numbskull’s skinny hands and examined it carefully. “Let me see thy spectacles for a moment, Captain.”
“Here are ma’ spectaculars!” said Numbskull as he handed them over to Thursday.
Thursday then used them as a magnifying glass.
“Well, what doth it say? Quick, tell me! Art thou tryin’ to be Father Brown or somethin’?” squeaked Captain Numbskull.
Casting a quick angry glance at him, Thursday dictated the words, “It sayeth: ‘Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, and the dreams that you dreamed of, dreams really do come true’. . .”
Silence reigned for about twenty-five seconds.”What the weirdo does that mean?”said Numbskull.
“First of all let’s get out of here. Let’s climb up those steps over there!”
Pretty soon they were in a large hallway.
“I thinketh I know where to look!” said Thursday.
“Where? Outside? Art we supposed to go outside and wait for a rainbow to come up? That’s absolutely ridiculous!”
“Don’t even think of it. Besides, by the sounds I hear, it’s raining cats and dogs outside, anyway!”
“What? Where?” said Numbskull, poking his head out a nearby window. “But I ain’t seein’ any cats and dogs!”
“Bah! Whatever! Thou must have mashed potatoes for brains!”
At that moment, a raven that was perching on a tree branch at the same height as the window cawed at Numbskull, mocking him.
“Oh! Hiya little birdie!” said Numbskull.
The bird stared at Numbskull ominously, which made him want to bring his head back inside the castle.
“So where shall we look?” asked Numbskull to Thursday.
“To the king’s library, my dear Englishman, to the library. . . for Ignoramus Rex liked nothing more, other than treasure and rum, than reading!”
Numbskull looked at Thursday with big round eyes, mouth wide open, and tongue sticking out. “Bu-bu-but thou hast said that ye has never heard of Ignominious Rex, er Ignoramus Rex!”
“Oh! Um, w-w-e-ll,” stammered Thursday. “It was only a little deduction. Nothing more.”
And so they searched for the king’s library, a mission not to be found a difficulty beacuse the library filled one-third of the whole entire castle. After about thirty-five minutes and twenty-one seconds of searching, they found the king’s library.
“Here we are!” said Thursday triumphantly. “We hast reached our destination!”
“Wha-ha-haow! Just look at all these books!” exclaimed Numbskull. “I’ve ne’er seen so many in ma’ laff o’ forty-five years!”
For in that library were hundreds of thousands of books, in many thirty-five-meter tall bookshelves reaching up as high as the ceiling
“Neither have I! Well then, let’s go find that treasure of yours! A rainbow. . . a rainbow is what we need to find first. . . Let’s get started with our search, and nuts to those who don’t do their work of searching, eh Captain?. . . Captain?”
“Z-z-z. . . Z-z-z. . .” snored Captain Numbskull as he slept soundly on the long twenty-meter library table.
“What in the hocus pocus art thou doing, huh! This is absolutely no time to sleep! Up with thee and help me search, ye little brat!!”
“Oh, oh, oh, yessiree, mister!” said Numbskull jumping off the table and collapsing on the floor. “Sorry, I got a bit sleepy there, after all that sailing to this island and the fiasco, ehe! And anyways, ye said ‘nuts to those who don’t do their work’, so where are my nuts? Do ye has any almonds?”
Thursday walked towards Numbskull, took off the clumsy pirate’s hat, and slapped his head, then placed the hat back on his head.
And so they began their search, looking at the books, the bookcases, the walls, the ceiling. . .
“Hey, Thursday!” said Numbskull after about five minutes of searching. “Ye see that yonder painting over their, over the smallest bookshelf?”
“Yes, yes, I see!” shouted Thursday. “It’s a rainbow! You’ve made a brilliant discovery. . . strangely. . .”
They ran towards the bookshelf.
“In order to reach it,” said Thursday, “we needeth a ladder. . . Hey! What!”
Without warning, Numbskull started to climb up Thursday’s old shoulders.
“What art thou doing?! Who art thou trying to be?! Don Quixote?!”
“I thinks I can be a’reachin’ it!” As Numbskull looked closely, he spotted a small red button over the rainbow.
“Aha! Bingo!” said Numbskull triumphantly as he pushed the button.
At that moment, something from high up a different bookshelf came falling to the ground. In a moment, Numbskull was off Thursday’s shoulders.
“What is that?” said Thursday, massaging his shoulders.
“It must be some kind of massive book”, said the numbskull.
Thursday looked at it carefully. “It ain’t a book, Captain! It’s a box!!”
Hands shaking, head bobbing up and down like a chicken, and spectacles sliding down to his nostrils, Numbskull moved slowly towards the mysterious wooden box.
Then he looked aghastly at Thursday.
“The-the-the lock is broken! And I’d be a’seein’ scratches around the lock!!”
Thursday looked shocked as well. “The treasure better be in there, or my name is not Tyra… Thursday…”
“Tyrathursday? Whaddaya mean ‘Tyrathursday’?”
“OK, well!” said Numbskull, turning his face back to the box and rubbing his hands with excitement and delight. “The treasure betta not be a’being in there, or ma’ name is Salamander Higgins! Let us open the treasure of Ignoramus Rex, shall we?”
Then they both laid their hands on the lid.
“Together!” said they in unison, and the box was open…
What their eyes beheld made them speechless with great surprise…
Rubies, emeralds, diamonds of diverse sizes, gold doubloons… sparkling with the sun’s bright rays beaming out of a nearby window, for the rainstorm has passed…
“We found it! We has found the treasure of Indominus Rex, er, Indoraptor Rex, no, Ignoramus Rex!!” exclaimed Numbskull. “But the Persian prince’s ring? I don’t see it in the treasure box! Uh, Thursday? What hast happened? Ye looketh like ye has seen a ghost!”
Sure enough, Thursday’s face was as white as snow. “Wha-wha-what i-i-i-s tha-tha-that-t-t-t?”
Numbskull looked carefully at the treasure, and his jaw dropped…
Out of the many jewels and gold came forth a small little hand, moving really slowly. Then the other hand emerged from the box. Pretty soon the head, the body, and the legs of the mysterious creature came out of the treasure. The creature slowly clammered out of the box…
“H-h-help!” screamed Numbskull. “This thing’s grabbing ma’ poor legs!”.
“Ahh! Ahh!” said the cute little baby sloth as it slowly climbed up Numbskull’s legs!
TO BE CONTINUED…
‘Twas the year 1777…
“HELP!!! HELP!!!” yelled Captain Numbskull as the cute little baby sloth climbed up his belly. “It’s coming towards ma’ face, and it tickleth like crazy! Shiver me timbers!”
But Thursday wasn’t there anymore.
“I-I-It’s an i-i-i-imp!! Run for thy life! Run for thy life!” shouted the old man Thursday as he fled from the king’s library. In fact he was running at the amazing speed of 135 miles per hour! Smoke came out from behind him as he ran.
“Hey, hey! Wait! Wait for me, Tuesday! Wait! Ahhhhh! It’s a’grabbin’ ma’ neck!! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Avast me hearties!! It’s now on ma’ face!!”
“Ahh!. . . Ahh!!!” said the cute little baby sloth.
Frantically he tried to take the sloth off his body using his hands, but the sloth sticked to him like superglue. So, he ran, ran for all he was worth, crashing into bookshelves, and causing books to fall out of them – a perfect representation of a bull in a china shop.
So, like a bull in a china shop, he jumped up and down, with the sloth still sticking on to his face.”I can’t see! I can’t see!”
Blindly he ran and jumped, and he had to go under several ladders, causing them to collapse after he went through them. After making a big mess in the king’s library, he went out of the library and caused havoc in the large hallway decorated with many valuable items.
“OK! If ye won’t be a’letting go of me, I’d be a’throwin’ ye ma’ shoe!” The sloth did not respond, so the humbug pirate captain took of his shoe and aiming it, he threw it. . .
But missed his mark.
The shoe went flying up and into a large mirror in the middle of the hallway of many corridors, and ‘CRASH!!!!!!’
“YIKES!!!… Ooooooops… Can someone be a’helpin’ me?!?!” Just then, five hundred black cats appeared from one of the corridors, for the Queen, currently absent from the castle, had seven thousand, five hundred forty-two cats in her possession. So, they came, right where the captain and sloth were. The captain and the sloth looked on with mouths open wide as the black stampede went past Numbskull’s skinny legs.
“Hey, there! Watch where ye is be a’goin’! You there, be careful! Oh, sorry, sir, did I squish thy tail?” The cat who got its tail stepped on by the captain growled and bit his left leg. “Aieeeee! YEOUCH!!! Today ain’t ma’ lucky day!!! Boo hoo hoo.”
“Halt!” commanded the captain of the king’s guards, Captain Rockfort, whose voice sounded low and harsh because of the full-face helmet, to the two approaching guards, Nit Bumperstickers and Wit Crackerjacks, the two guards that caught Numbskull and brought him into the throne room in the first place. “Any sign of the dummy?”
“No, my captain!” said Nit. “But we hath checked the dungeons and found out that the old prisoner hath escaped! Furthermore, we looked for the guards who were supposed to be guarding the prisoner and we hath found them playing soccer with each other on the king’s lawn using a helmet as a ball!”
“To be precise, they were playing helmetball using some socks as a goal!” said Wit.
“WHAT!!! The prisoner escaped?! Surely you jest!”
“No, Captain, it is true. Also, we saw a torn straitjacket lying on the floor next to the old man’s prison door…”
The tall and slender captain wearing a long dark blue cape bearing the coat of arms, grabbed both guards with both hands. “A straitjacket ye say?! Well, may not that be the very same one ye put on the clumsy ol’ Captain Numbskull?!! He hath helped our prisoner escape! Go find those two at all costs!”
Suddenly, they saw a figure walking clumsily, screaming and singing a bunch of mumbo jumbo.
“AH!!! HOCUS POCUS!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO GET ALL THE BAD LUCK!!! CUANDO FLORESCA EL CHUÑO!!! I’VE BEEN DANCING IN THE HALLWAYS! BABY SLOTH O’FACE!!!”
“GET HIM!!!” shouted Captain Rockfort, then blew a whistle, sending a shrill sound around the many hallways of the castle to alert the other twelve guards.
“Get who? said Captain Numbskull. Then he realized his peril. “Oh oh… Here goeth nothing! AHHH!!!”
So saying, he ran with all his might to a direction he knew not what. By this time all fifteen guards were chasing him.
“Ye can’t catch me! I’m the dunderhead man!” screamed Numbskull.
Then the fifteen guards stopped, and grinned at each other.
For the nitwit of a numbskull of a Numbskull was running straight towards the doors of of king’s throne room!
The king, who was sitting on his throne, clapped his hands when his orchestra finished playing “The Raiders March” for him.
“Bravo! Bravo!” Then turning to his main servant he said, “Don’t you like good music? This orchestra is one of a kind!”
At that the six orchestra members smiled.
“BUT PLAY THAT SONG IN G CORD NEXT TIME!!!!” shouted the king, throwing his fedora down to the floor and putting his crown back on. “Time for some good classical music! Well, let’s see… what about “The William Tell Overture”? Yes, that will suffice. Please play it in G cord, wilt thou?”
And so Captain Numbskull was running with all his might when he heard his favorite piece of classical music playing somewhere in front of him. “Whoaya! Well, ain’t that swell music, eh Baby McSloth? I’d betta go see who’s a’playin’!!”
King Victoro, the king of an island near England, was sitting on his throne, when all of a sudden the doors of the throne room opened. . . and there came in the great Captain Numbskull, humming “The Willam Tell Overture”and galloping like a crazy horse.
Orchestra, servants, maids, and king watching in wonder and bewilderment, the nutty numbskull ran with the baby sloth still on his face, messed up the red carpet, ran up the steps to the throne, and ‘WHAM!!’. . . right into the king’s poor stomach!
The king’s belly serving as some kind of trampolene, Numbskull bounced up high into the air and landed in front of the throne room’s doors. It was then that the guards led by Captain Rockfort arrived.
“Sire!” said Rockfort, “We have brought unto thee the numbskull!”
The king coughed and choaked for a few moments. “Well… ‘cough’… So, it seems!” Then he grinned an evil-looking grin at Captain Numbskull, who was now standing and looking around like a meerkat – gaping mouth and dislocated spectacles, not to mention his overly stretched out tongue.
Captain Numbskull was trapped.
“Ye cannot escape out of this, my boy!” said the king. “I have been waiting for this for… a few hours… And now, thou hast gotten thyself trapped! Dost thou know what wilt happen next? Ye wilt be hanged for treason!”
Numbskull gulped. “B-b-b-but, I was a baaaaaaaaaaaaad boy! Boo hoo hoo!”
“BUT!” said the king, rising from his throne, his face half filled with a big smile, “I think that kind of a punishment is too good for the likes of thee!”
Numbskull breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank ye, crowny, I thank ye from ma’ heart. Me wilt never be a’forgettin’ thy kindness and wilt never be a bad boy again!”
Then, out of his sheath connected to his belt, the king took out a long two-edged sword.
“He, he, he!” he chuckled. “I wilt therefore slay thee with my sword, the sword which I used for slaying the former owner of this castle, the evil pirate captain, Indominus Rex!” Then he paused and looked up as though he was contemplating something. “Oh, I’m sorry, it’s Ignoramus Rex! Ha, ha, ha!!!” The other people in the room laughed along with him, but Numbskull’s jaw was lowered down to his Adam’s apple.
“Ah-ah-ah… um, er. . . parlay?” fidgeted Numbskull.
“No forgiveness will come from me, Numbo!” said the king as he climbed down the throne’s steps, wielding his deadly weapon.
Numbskull looked on with a sorrowful face, but quickly his demeanor changed. “Well, if that’s the case!” said he, putting his hand into his coat. “I’m ready for a fair fight!”
The room was filled with gasps and murmurs. The king was silent.
“So, you’re calling for a duel, eh?” said he. “Hm!! I don’t see any reason whatsoever to refuse this foolish request! Let the fight begin!!”
“Uh, uh, uh, Kingy!” said the Numbskull wagging his forefinger at the king. “Be careful, because I’d, in ma’ lafftime, has been a’killin’ 33,456 centipedes”, then he took something out of his coat, “with this toothpick!!!”
Laughter roared from the occupants of the room. The king once again was silent. He was squinting his eyes at Numbskull to mock him.
“Now that rotten little thing WILL NOT help thee very much, wilt it?” said the king.
“Oh, yeah? Atchaa! Hiyaaa!” said Numbskull, waving his toothpick around like a little baby playing with a rattler. “Charge, coward!”
With one single move, the king swooped Numbskull’s insignificant little toothpick in half with his sword.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” cried Numbskull, as his legs gave in with shock, causing him to sit on the ground with bent legs. “MY TOOTHPICK!! WHAT HAST THOU DONE TO MY TOOTHPICK??!!!”
“I snapped it in half, of course.”
Numbskull suddenly jumped to his feet and shouted right in front of the king ‘s face. “Ye do not know what this is! Ye do not know what this is! This was my best friend, a companion of many adventures, devastator of thousands of centipedes, 33,456 centipedes to be precise. . . and YOU wast supposed to be the 33,457th!!”
But the king only stationed his sword on Numbskull’s chest. “Prepare to die!”
“No. wait!. . . I hast something to give thee!”
The king looked interested. “What? Something… for me? And it ain’t my birthday!”
“I want to give thee… THE TREASURE OF IGNORAMUS REX!!!”
The king dropped his sword.
“Really? Hast thou really found the treasure that ye were looking for for seventeen years? And art thou willing to give it to me?”
“Life is more valuable than treasure” said Numbskull, eyes filled with tears.
But it was then that he knew the sloth was missing.
“Er… it should be… someplace around here…”
“WHAT??!! Art thou saying that thou hast not found it yet?!” grumbled the king.
“Wait a sec! What’s this in ma’ hat?” So saying, Numbskull took off his hat, and there sat the cute little baby sloth, looking at the king with big, round, innocent, shiny eyes.
“Ahh!” it said.
“Awwww” said the whole audience, including the king.
“Behold!” Numbskull pronounced. “The Treasure of Ignoramus Rex!”
Hands shaking, eyes shining with little tears, and head bobbing up and down like a Willie Mays Bobblehead doll, the king slowly stretched out his hand to receive the treasure. Numbskull gave the precious little thing to the king.
“Thank you. Thank you for such an adorable little critter as this!” said the king as he held his new pet, petted it, and kissed it. “And to show thee my gratitude, I will now promote thee… to be my most HUMBUG servant!”
Laughter filled the room once more.
Numbskull replied, “Weeeell I never! I can’t believe it! Well, um, th-th-thanks!” But he really thought, “Oh, nuts.”
Thirty four minutes and twenty-one seconds later. . .
The evening banquet has begun.
Roasted chicken and pork, pigs with apples in their mouths, fruit of diverse kinds, macaroni and cheese, corn soup, vegetable soup, minestrone soup, hamburgers and hot dogs. . . and much more, were served at the grand feast, held in the large banquet hall next to the throne room.
The orchestra played fantastic classical music fit for a banquet while the king, with the sloth perched on his shoulder, and some of his servants and guards munched on their dainties. . . with Numbskull serving as the butler. . .
Captain Rockfort and four other guards were absent on another mission: To find the old prisoner and to lock him up in the dungeon once again.
Numbskull would much rather have liked to eat the delicious-looking food with the king and his men, but he only looked on with an unsatisfied appetite. The sloth got some food from the king instead.
The king was about to take a sip from his creamy corn soup, when something floated on top of the soup. The king dropped his spoon.
“THE-THERE’S A DEAD COCKROACH IN MY SOUP!!!” he cried.
“Well,” said Numbskull, now the king’s butler, in a butler-like smooth British accent,”if it’s dead, then why not just gulp it down?”
The king suddenly got up from his chair and grabbed the numbskull by the collar. “WHAT ART THOU SAYING?!! Get this soup out of my sight, or I’ll feed thee to the pigs!”
“Ye-yesiree sire!” said Numbskull. Then he took away the disgusting soup with the dead cockroach floating on top. Another servant gave the king a better soup.
‘Gurgle-gurgle-gurgle’ said Numbskull’s poor stomach. “Boy! I’m hungry!” He looked at the soup. Even the cockroach looked good to eat. Then he looked both ways and ‘gulp’!
After drinking the soup, Numbskull came back to the king’s side. “O king.”
“What?” snarled the king.
“As a token of my gratitude towards thee for not feeding me to the pigs, I’ll perform unto thee a bit o’ music! Some music on the piano!”
“Oh! Thou canst play the piano?” remarked the surprised king.
“Yups!” said Numbskull. Then his next strange move was to pick up some chopsticks that were used for picking up the sushi on the table and he walked towards the piano on the stage. “Wilt thou excuse me?” said Numbskull to the pianist. The pianist moved. Then Numbskull began to play “Chopsticks” with chopsticks!
“Bravo! bravo!” said the king, clapping his hands after Numbskull finished. A few others clapped too. Numbskull proudly bowed a few times to the crowd. “NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!!” shouted the king.
A few minutes later…
“Butler! Give me a potato!” ordered the king. “Get one fresh from the kitchen, the ones served here taste like over-cooked french fries!”
Numbskull, with a white towel hanging from his right arm, let his feet hit each other, and said these words. “Thou hast said it, and I wilt fulfil it. Thy wish is my command, m’lord!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, cut the formalities. JUST DO IT!!!”
But it was less than ten minutes later that Numbskull came back with a rotten tomato instead. “Thy wish is granted, my lord! I thought thou hast said ‘Give me a potato’, but then I realized, that wasn’t what the king said! He said, ‘Give me a tomato!’ This was the only one I could find, so, enjoy!”
Oh, the king was furious, and his face was red. . . red and wrinkled as the pickled plum itself. . .
But before the king could do anything, the big doors of banquet room opened.
In came in Thursday, clothed all in black: black coat, black shirt and trousers, and black boots. On his long-haired white head was a black tricorne. And in his hand. . . a deadly weapon.
“OK, people!” said the evil-looking Thursday. “Party’s over, ’cause ol’ papa goofy wanteth to play with dynamite!!!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
‘Twas the year 1777…
There Thursday stood, clothed all in black, with all the people in the banquet hall staring at him with great surprise.
“Ha, ha, ha!” chuckled Thursday. “I hast ye all in my power now!”
“Wha-what’s this, Saturday?” said Numbskull. “I wot thee as a friend and I helped thee out of thy bonds…”
King Victoro of Fanaticostcosodor Island spoke, his eyes fixed on the old man before him, and his face as white as snow. “Dost thou wot what kind of a parasite that thou hast released?”
Numbskull the butler squinted his eyes at Thursday. Then he made a face of horror and grabbed the chair that the king was sitting on. Then he made the ‘I beg for mercy‘ pose and whined at the king.
“Oh, please! Oh, please, King! I beg of thee! Don’t tell me he’s Saruman!”
At that, the king slammed his fists on the table and looked at Numbskull with blood-red eyes. “Ye must have gone bananas!”
“I’d actually rather go peanuts.”
“. . . Whatever that means. . . Thou, a pirate, dost not know who he is? Some pirate thou art! And who’s Saruman anyways? Wait, I don’t care!”
Thursday took a few steps forward. It was then that Numbskull noticed Thursday’s slightly fat belly. “That’s weird,” thought Numbskull. “I thought he was as skinny as a skeleton!”
This is what the mysterious Thursday said: “I wilt now reveal my true identity, something that only this stinkbrain doesn’t know!”
Numbskull replied, “Stinkbrain, eh? Hm, good one! Rocks and stones may break ma’ bones, but words wilt never be a’hurtin’ me!”
“Oh, yeah? Well, then stop acting the goat!!”
“Acting the goat? Acting the goat? Didst thou just say ‘am actin’ the goat? Why, dost thou really take me for a goat? Well then I wilt show thee what the ‘goat’ is made out of!! CHARGE!!!!”
With that, Numbskull leaned his head and charged towards Thursday like a bull charging towards the matador’s red cloth, but Thursday brought him to an abrupt stop by simply holding his head with his right hand. Then Thursday pushed Numbskull’s hat down to his nose once again and with an “ATCHAA!!” he punched Numbskull and let poor Numbskull crash onto the floor using his kung fu.
Numbskull slowly raised his hat and looked up at Thursday. “Who art thou?”
Thursday looked around the room, at the many faces staring at him, and smiled. “Aye! That I wilt reveal! My name is Tyranno Saurus Rex!!”
Tyranno Saurus Rex? The Tyranno Saurus Rex? thought Numbskull.
“Yes! I am the Tyranno Saurus Rex!” said Tyranno Saurus Rex, for Numbskull said his thought aloud. “I am Tyranno Saurus, the former first mate of the great pirate lord, Ignoramus Rex! After his resignation from pirating and his taking his abode in this castle, I became the captain of The Idiosyncrasy, and changed the name of the ship to The Stinking Vulture! Then after I learned about the death of Ignoramus, I came here with my crew on The Stinking Vulture and five other ships to strike vengeance on Rex’s murderer, Victoro Cornmillius the Young Knight!” Then he pointed his finger at King Victoro. “You!”
“Yes,” said Victoro casually, “Yes, I think I was the one who squashed the insignificant little cockroach, with whom I fought with on the highest point of the castle, stabbed him with my sword in spite of him having two swords, and dumped him out into the sea from the top of this castle! And I canst tell thee that I had a good time watching him fall!”
Tyranno Saurus’s face turned red with anger and he shouted at the king. “How darest thou talk like that to me! And when we came to destroy thee and thy men, ye with wonderous tactics sent out thy fleet, which sunk all our ships, but with the loss of all thy ships! My flagship and thy admiral’s flagship were the last survivors of our fleets, and after a huge final battle, the last two ships simultaneously sunk. I was the only survivor of the whole sea battle, and thou hast imprisoned me for life! I’d rather have died with my men on board my sweet Stinking Vulture! And now, I wilt have my revenge on thee!!” Then he showed the king and the others the big red deadly dynamite that he was holding in his left hand. “See this, everyone? This baby can destroy all who art in this here room! Once I ignite it, then ‘BOOM!!!’ ‘Tis the end, understand?!! Unless!”
“Unless?” sneered the king.
“Unless ye, king of Fancypantsodor, wilt surrender to me the castle and all that is in it, including all the money in thy treasury, all thy servants, not including this here humbug, and flee! Flee to the outermost parts of this island, never to return, in exchange for thy life. How’s that for a fair bargain, eh? I am now offering thee thy life!”
Now it was the king’s turn to be angry. “HOW DARE YE DEFY MY AUTHORITY! I AM THE KING! SUBMIT TO ME, OR TASTE MY WRATH!!!!” he shouted.
Tyranno Saurus was rather taken aback at those words. Even Captain Numbskull was shocked, looking as if he got zapped by 1,000 volts.
“Well, er, so be it then”, said Tyranno.
“I’ve been a’wonderin’ ’bout thy fattish stomach!” said Numbskull. “Hast thou eaten Ignoramus Rex’s treasure?” Then he laughed hysterically. “Wha, ha, ha! That’s a good one! Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he, ho, ho, ho!”
“What dost thou mean, Ignoramus Rex’s treasure?” said the king.
Numbskull covered his mouth with his hand. “Ooops, I’d rather take all the jewels and gold in that box if possible,” he thought.
Saurus laughed. “YES!!! I DID eat Ignoramus Rex’s treasure!”
The whole room was filled with shock and confusion. Numbskull’s jaw dropped down to his chest.
“What!!?” panicked the king, looking around for his pet baby sloth. It was nowhere to be found. “Whe-where’s my baby sloth??! What hast thou done to my little sweetie pie?!!”
“That is what I want to ask myself! Where is it? In fact, it’s no sloth, it’s an imp! Numbskull!”
Numbskull only stared at nothing in particular, looking rather dense.
“Numbskull! Show me the little imp that came out of the box and stuck to thy face! At once I tell thee!”
Numbskull did not respond.
“WAKE UP YE FOOLISH ANIMAL!!! AND STOP SPACING OUT!!!”
“UHHH!!! What? What happened?” said Numbskull shaking his head. “Oh yeah. I remember know. Thou wert making a scene!”
“Making a scene? Now who’s the real person who’s making a scene, huh?”
“I donkair!” said Numbskull.
“Well, fine! Whatever!” Then he took a few more steps forward. “Remember the jewels and gold that are in the box?”
“SHHHH!!! Not so loud, Titano! I don’t want the king to wot about it!” yelled Numbskull.
“What’s all this about jewels and gold? And anyway, I want my sloth!!!” said the king, sucking his thumb.
“Well, after ye and the stinkin’ imp went out of the library, I came back to the library to check the treasure… MY treasure! And guess what?! All the gems, diamonds, and all… were NOTHING BUT PLASTIC!!! And the gold doubloons? CONFOUNDED HARSHLEY’S CHOCOLATE!!!”
For this is what happened: Approximately twenty minutes after Numbskull with the sloth on his face dashed out of the library, Captain Tyranno Saurus came back. he walked towards the lone box lying on the ground amidst broken ladders and ruined books. “What a mess!” said he. He kneeled and examined the treasure. He held one big diamond and felt it. “Wait a minute here, it feeleth… too light for a diamond the size as this!” It was after that that he noticed all the jewels were made out of plastic. “Confound Ignoramus’s foolish pranks! ‘Sniff, sniff, sniff’… Hmm… what’s that funny smell? It smells like… like cacao!” Then he held one of the gold coins. “WHAT IS THIS??!!! They’re soft!! … NOOOOOOO!!!!! CHOCOLATE!!! IGNORAMUS YE BIRDBRAIN!!!! This wilt make a good meal!” Then he gobbled them all up, wrappers and all, all three thousand pieces of them. Thus his fat stomach.
“And then a thought came unto me!” said Tyranno. “As I was chewing on the delicacies, I thought to myself: Wait a minute, Numbskull said he was looking for that treasure for seventeen years. Therefore that imp lived in that box for seventeen years! And it’s still a baby! A thing like that wilt be worth a lot of gold, especially on the Black Market! And therefore the treasure of Ignoramus Rex is NOT the Persian ring… IT’S THE IMP ITSELF!!! So I decided to come for it, when, at the moment I finished eating the ‘gold doubloons’, five guards came!”
It so happened that the five guards led by Captain Rockfort came to the library during the banquet and saw Tyranno sitting next to the treasure box. “Ha! We’ve got thee now! Guards, get him!!!”
But they didn’t know Tyranno Saurus knew kung fu…
“Yes, that’s what I did!!! I punched every single one of ’em out of the library window!”
“NOOO!!!” roared the king. “Thou shalt pay severely for this!”
“And after that, I found my old pirate clothes in the basement.”
Then Saurus continued. “I only ask for this: The imp and the castle with the goods, in exchange for thy life. Or else…” He shook his dynamite.
“I wilt not give thee anything, usurper of the throne!”
“Uh… king? Live forever!”
“What, Numbskull?” said the king in an irritated tone.
“Maybe it’s best if ye should be a’surrenderin’…”
The king grabbed Numbskull by the collar. “If ye say that one more time…”
“I SURRENDER!!!” whined Numbskull looking in Captain Saurus’s direction.
“Well, to settle things up,” said the corrupt pirate Captain Saurus, “I wilt say this one thing… thou shalt never catch me alive! I shall ignite this dynamite, which will explode in ten minutes, and shall perish with this beautiful palace with the treasure of Ignoramus Rex!”
Then he unrolled two long white strings connected to the dynamite and took out a match.
“All those who even make a single move towards this dynamite, shall be frizzled up by this pistol!”He took out his pistol from out of his coat pocket and threateningly showed it to the audience. Then he lighted his match and set the sparkling fire on one of the long white strings on the dynamite. ‘PSSSSHT!’ went the dynamite’s sparks. Then he laid it on the ground.
“Since this is going to be thy last day,” said he, “I wilt perform unto thee a bit o’music.”
Then he walked towards the platform where the orchestra was, saying “Arrrgh” as he did so, causing the six orchestra members to cower away in fear and to make a beeline for the king’s chair, and they all scooted behind the king for protection. The others in the room had faces of terror, but only the main servant, Mr. Robinsen Gruso, remained calm. He was standing near the orchestra’s stage. But his face was red with anger.
Then the evil Captain Tyranno Saurus picked up a six-stringed instrument and began tuning it.
“I wilt now play a song! And when this song’s finished, it will be ten minutes, and ‘BOOOM!’ Ha, ha, ha!”
“Doomsday, thou dost not have to do this!” said Numbskull.
“I told ye,” said Captain Saurus, “that appearances can be deceiving. It was my intention that, when the treasure was found, to finish thee with my knife!”
“Oh, yeah?!” said Numbskull. “If I knew who thou art, then I wouldst let thee walk the plank while ye were stillst in thy beautiful bird-cage!”
“Thou must see, O Captain Saurus,” said King Victoro,”that thou art badly outnumbered!”
“All ye people in this room art no match whatsoever for my pistol and dynamite! Now let’s get the music startin’ and get the rythym!”
Then he started strumming in A-minor cord, much to the king’s disgust.
He sang, “Oh!!!
An old pirate went sailing out one dark and windy day,
Upon an isle he rested as he went along his way,
When all at once a mighty hoard of gold doubloons he saw,
A sparklin’ in the raging sea, and down dropped his old jaw!
Yippee Ay Yo! Yippee Ay Yay! Ghost doubloons in the sea!”
“I know this song!” thought Captain Numbskull. “Only three or so more verses to go! I must inform the king, somehow!”
Then, as unobviously as possible, he took out his pen and began scribbling a message on his white waiter’s towel. Then he slowly ripped that part up and, using his origami knowledge, he turned it into a “paper” airpane. Tyranno was too busy playing the guitar to notice.
“The coins were still unrusted and they made him want to steal
Every gold coin from the seabed and their smooth faces feel,
A bolt of fear went through him as he watched the coins go by,
For he saw the pirates swimming hard, and he heard their mournful cry!
Yippie ay yo! Yippie ay yay! Ghost pirates in the sea!”
“Gold ain’t rustin’” thought the king to himself. “All those years in prison must have made him go cuckoo. He’s raging mad!” It was at that moment when Numbskull aimed his “towel/paper” airplane at the king’s lap. “Huh? What’s this?” The king thought as he looked at the mysterious white airplane-like object on his lap. He took it, unfolded it, and saw these words:
“Zare art ornly abauts sree mor varshes leeft befor za shong endes!!? Ye bEtta com urp wirth ah plahn prettie shoon!
P. S. Aye donkair eef ye keap za trezure. Tzhem peaces av jurnk arnyways!'(*!+)”
“Whoa… this is so bad that I can hardly read this! He shouldst have gone to college to learn his grammar and spelling!” thought the king. Then he looked at Captain Rascal Numbskull. Numbskull winked at him. Then King Victoro looked at Mr. Gruso, standing next to a mysterious what-not… a lever. The king had a plan. He continued looking at Mr. Gruso, waiting for Gruso to have eye-contact at the king. When Gruso finally looked at the king with a sober face, the king motioned his head towards the lever that Mr. Gruso was standing near. Then he slowly and noiselessly snapped his right fingers and he nodded his head: the signal. Mr. Gruso understood and nodded back.
It was while Tyranno was singing the second verse that the king looked at the note. And it was after Numbskull winked that Numbskull noticed something move from the corner of his eye. Slowly he moved his head toward the direction of the movement.
Behold, the dynamite was moving, all by itself… to the direction of Tyranno Saurus Rex!
“I must be a’seein’ things!” thought Numbskull. Then with his eyes he followed the other white string on the dynamite, the one without the sparks, that seemed to be pulling the dynamite. And…
The sight that met him made him want to scream! But, fortunately, he didn’t.
The sloth was slowly moving towards Tyranno, with the white string snagged onto the sloth’s left feet’s toenails!
Robinsen Gruso also saw the strange sight, and his mouth was agape. “What on earth…” He and Numbskull, a few meters apart from each other, watched as the sloth creeped towards Tyranno’s feet. For in Tyranno’s black boots, there were hidden some chocolate money. The sloth moved around his legs, without even Tyranno noticing, causing the white string to wind around his right leg. The sloth, with about five pieces of gold-paper-wrapped round chocolates in his hands, was now free from the white string.
Now Tyranno began singing the third verse of “Ghosts Pirates in the Sea“…
“Their faces scarred, their eyes all black, their shirts all soaked with sweat,
They’re swimming hard to grab that gold, but they ain’t got ’em yet,
‘Cause they got to swim forever in that sea beneath the sky,
The ghost sharks coming for them, as they swim on hear their cry!
Oh! Yippie ay yo! Yippie ay yay!
Ghost pirates in the sea!
Ghost pirates in the sea!
Ghost pirates in… THE DIRT!!!”
With a snap of the king’s fingers, Mr. Robinsen Gruso pulled the lever in a flash! “Now, Gruso! Now!”
“Er, oh oh…” said Tyranno, in mid air.
The trapdoor beneath Captain Tyranno Saurus Rex was opened… and down he went, taking the guitar… and the dynamite along with him…
“AHHHHH!!!!!” screamed Tyranno as he went down the black hole, white hair and beard flowing upwards as he fell…
“YES, VICTORY!!!” shouted the king in triumph! All the rest of the people in the room cheered along with him. The ol’ clumsy Captain Rascal Numbskull did a little tap dance towards the trapdoor, with his arms crossed. He looked down the hole.
“Sic semper tyrannis, yon humbug! That’s what’s happeneth to clumsy oafs like a thee!”
“Ha, ha, ha!” laughed the king jollily. “I doth not use that trapdoor very often, eh?” The orchestra smiled and laughed along with him, for they were too good at music for the trapdoor punishment.
“Er, sire? Where doth this black hole leadeth?” asked Numbskull.
“It leadeth to the foundations of this castle, where I keepeth all my pet crocodiles and dragons!”
“Hmm,” thought Captain Numbskull. Then in his puny brain he thought of the dynamite.
“Uh, king, live forever!”said he.
“What? Canst thou stop saying that! It getteth on my nerves!”
“Well, I wast going to be a’sayin’: A boom in the root would mean the tumblin’ of the bricks!”
The king was thoughtful for a few seconds. “Hmm… what canst that possibly mean…” Then suddenly, to the surprise of the audience, the king jumped to his feet.
“By the hairs of my whiskers, you’re right! Everybody, calm down! Calm down… like me!” Then the king panicked. “Aaaaaughh!! Everybody, action stations! All hands on deck! Women and children first!” Then he tried to calm down. “Everybody, listen to me! Sooner or later, the dynamite will explode… IN THE FOUNDATION OF THE CASTLE!!! Hurry up and escape, run for thy lives! It wilt go ‘BOOM’ any minute now! Aaaaugh!!”
And so they ran, all the people in the castle, ran for all they were worth, out the banquet room. As he ran, Numbskull grabbed a chicken leg to munch on along the way. Then he paused and looked at the delicious-looking food on the table. “Mmmm… To eat or not to eat, that is the question!”
The people ran down the hallways and down the many steps: king, servants, a few guards, cooks, and clumsy oaf of a pirate. Numbskull, as he ran, thought he heard someone singing from somewhere underneath… the fourth verse of “Ghost Pirates in the Sea”…
Outside the castle, all was peace and quiet. The birds were singing in the trees, the villagers in the nearby village were chatting with each other as they were doing their everyday chores, afar breeze was blowing… when all of a sudden the doors of the castle’s entrance burst open and all the people in the castle blasted out of the castle with the king in the lead.
And at the end of the line, ran Numbskull, huffing and puffing, chewing on fruit, vegetables, meat, junk food, and pasta, carrying them all in his two arms. And so he was running like a chicken, when he finished eating a banana and… “Mmmm! Yeah! Zis the best tastin’ babaner and food I’ve ever been a’tastin’!” Then he threw the banana peel in front of him and ‘Whoop!’ went Numbskull and his dinner, and ‘Splat!’
“Get as yonder apart from the castle as ye possibly can! I canst hear some rubblings!” shouted the king in panic. Then he saw poor Numbskull, covered with squished food, lying on the ground. And so the king ran back towards Numbskull and dragged him away from the spot.
No sooner had the king done this, when…
The whole castle shook, the flames burst forth from the bricks, smoke covered the whole entire castle… the explosion had occured in the foundations of the castle…
Down went the brown brick castle in all its grandeur, brick after brick, floor after floor. Pretty soon, all that was left was only a small hill of smoking piled up red and brown bricks…
“NO! My castle! My beautiful beautiful castle! All in ruins!” Then the king bent his knees and wept.
Numbskull came up from behind him and put his left hand upon the king’s right shoulder. “Ma’ condor-lences… I meaneth condolences…”
“And thank ye for helpin’ me out of there! I wouldst been a’roasted turkey if me was been a still in there!”
“Please speak proper English!” said the king.
Then Numbskull looked at the big pile of rubble and gasped. “Oh, no! The castle, the treasure of Ignoramus Rex, Captain Sirus, the sloth, all destro…” Then the numbskull of a numbskull of a Captain Numbskull shrieked in terror.
“THE SLOTH!!! THE SLOTH!!! WHERE IS THE BABY SLOTH?!?!?!?!?!”
The king stood up from his weeping. “Yes, the sloth! My cute little sloth! Wah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!!” wept the king like a child who broke a toy.
Numbskull took off his hat and looked at the pile of bricks. “We will always remember thee, baby sloth. I wilt therefore be a’callin’ thee… Bingo.”
“And why, if I may ask, art thou going to call it ‘Bingo’?… Er, wait a minute, nevermind. The reason wilt just turn out to be just a bunch of useless mumbo jumbo anyway.”
Then Numbskull took out his castanets from out of his coat, played it with his left hand, and pretended to strum a guitar with his right hand. And dancing an Irish folk dance, he sang…
“Oh! There was a king who had a sloth, and Bingo was his name-o,
B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o!”
And strumming his “air guitar” a little faster, he continued…
“Old MacGeezer had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!
And on that farm he had a sloth, E-I-E-I-O!
And an ‘Aaa-Aaa’ there and an ‘Aaa-Aaa’ there!
Here ‘Aaa’, there ‘Aaa’, everywhere an ‘Aaa-Aaa’!
Old MacGeezer had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!”
“Ahh! Captain Rockfort! There thou art!” said the king paying no attention to Rascal.
Captain Rockfort and the four other guards walked nimbly towards the king and the former residents of the castle.
“Oh, goody! It’s nice to see thee all well and alive, sir!” said Numbskull taking off his hat to the Captain of the King’s Guards.
It was then when Captain Rockfort took off the full-face helmet…
Behold… a tall and slender beautiful blond-haired woman stood, with long hair flowing gracefully with the wind.
“Uh… uh… uh… uh… uh…uh… uh…uh… ‘gulp’, oh, hi… ma’am…” fidgeted Numbskull, face all red with embarassment.
“May I present unto thee, Captain Amelia Rockfort,” said the king to Numbskull.
Just then, Robinsen Gruso ran towards Amelia, face bright with happiness. “Oh, Amelia! I thought Captain Saurus killed thee!”
“No, he didn’t my dear! But still, it was quite a fall!” said Amelia.
Numbskull scooted close to the king. “Duh… Canst thou tell me at least what’s goin’ on?”
The king smiled at Numbskull. “Well, Numbskull, Captain Amelia Rockfort is the fiancée of Mr. Robinsen Gruso! They art going to be married next week in my most beautiful castle…” The king turned his head back to the rubble. “Nothin’ doin’…”
Numbskull went to where Captain Amelia and Robinsen Gruso were standing. “Whoa! As the late Wednesday used to say, appearances can be deceiving!”
Amelia Rockfort asked, “Who’s Wednesday?”
But Numbskull didn’t respond, for he was thinking of something else.
“Wait, king! Where’s thy Queen? We must save the Queen!” screeched Captain Numbskull, who was going to dash towards the “castle” hadn’t the king stopped him by grabbing him by the collar.
“No worries, my dear Englishman.”
Numbskull was happy to be called that… for the second time.
“My dear Queen Rosemary is now in France trying to buy the great Leaning Tower of Pisa for a nice decoration in my lawn!”
“Oh… I see… but what’s the Queen doing, a’tryin’ to buy the Leaning Tower of Pizza in France? Ain’t pizza from Italy? And why didn’t ye go with her?”
The king was thoughtful for a few moments. Then realization struck him.
“By the metal bars of the Eiffel Tower, you’re right! We must go to France to tell the Queen to go to Italy to buy the Leaning Tower of Pisa! Oh, what fools we were! And I didn’t go beacause I am allergic to the fleur-de-lis! Just by thinking about it makes me want to… ATCHOOOO!” (fleur-de-lis = lily)
“Wouldst thou be needin’ a tissue?”
“No, thanks. Thank you kindly.”
“No! No! I insist!” Then Numbskull put his hand in his coat in search for the tissue paper when he found something different… a bone…
“Aha! Huh? This ain’t a tissue… it’s a bone!”
The king looked shocked. “Uh… Whose bone?”
“It ain’t WHOSE bone, thou idiot! It’s a chicken bone!” Then Numbskull started to poke the king with the bone. “I hast a bone to pick with thee!”
But the king grabbed the bone from Numbskull’s skinny hand and threw it into the sea. Then he raised his hand to strike at the captain.
“How darest thou touch my costly raiment with thy disgusting chicken bone!” But the king lowered his hand, for the villagers had come to gaze upon the fallen castle and to comfort the king and the others. The king announced these words: “Men and women of Fanaticostcosodor Island! This hath been the 40th year of my reigning this island. 40 years ago, by my slaying the former king of this island, Ignoramus Rex, at the age of twenty-two, I became the king. But now it seemeth, the time hath come for me to resign. The castle is all in ruins, and my wife is trying to buy the Leaning Tower of Pisa in France!” So saying he threw down his golden crown in frustration. “But,” said he picking up his crown, “I, and all the rest of the people in the castle, owe our lives to one particular person! All ye citizens of Fanaticostcosodor Island! May I present unto thee all, KING RASCAL NUMBSKULL THE FIRST!”
“Hurrah! Hurrah!” screamed and cheered the crowd to celebrate the new king of the island, but some of them were booing.
Then the king kneeled before clumsy Captain Numbskull, and all the other citizens of the island kneeled with him. There Numbskull stood, speechless with confusion.
“Wha-what’s this?” exclaimed Numbskull. “And it ain’t ma’ birthday!”
“Thou art now the rightful king of this amazing castle… now a pile of rubbish!”
Numbskull stood there motionless, looking at the castle with a slight frown on his face. “Uh… Well, I never… er… thanks?”
“If thou hadst not said these words: ‘A boom in the root would mean the tumblin’ of the bricks,’ we all wouldst have been nothing but ashes by now! I take my hat off to thee, my ‘king’!”
“I’d rather take thy crown!” said Captain Numbskull, snatching away the golden crown from the king’s strong hands and putting it on top of his pirate hat. “And if it wasn’t for Bingo… I wouldst have been fried chicken!”
Just then, Robinsen Gruso came up to the king and said,” Sire? The only ship of this island the Queen took when she left for France, thy luxury ship, The Golden Swan.”
Victoro Cornmillius put his hand under his chin. “Hmm… thou art right. We hast no way to go to France to tell the Queen to go to Italy to…”
“Hush, shush!” said King Captain Numbskull, who stood on a small pile of bricks, proudly looking upon the people of the island with half-closed eyes and lifted-up head. He remarked proudly, “Hear, hear ye people of Fishflake Island…”
“Fishflake Island?” said the former king.
“Dost thou have any complaints whatsoever, O Bintoro? OR WOULDST I HAVE TO HAVE THEE WALK THE PLANK??!!” (Bintoro= Albacore sushi)
“Er… sorry. And my name is not Bintoro, it’s Victoro.”
“Victoro, Bintoro, Vitamin C… Whatever! Hear, hear ye people of Frypan Island!” said Numbskull. “There mayeth not be any way to go to France, ye say, but no! That’s not the case! How do ye think I came to this here island. On horseback? No! By swimming? No! By flying? Absolutely not! On stinky slimy flying fish? No! By dragon-bus? No! By adding one to one and getting four billion and getting kicked out of college by my math teacher, Sir Alberot Aintstein? NOOO!!! I, THE GREAT CAPTAIN RASCAL NUMBSKULL, hath a beautiful ship of ma’own! It’s called… THE RUBBER DUCKY!!!”
Laughter roared from the audience.
“The Rubber Ducky ye say?” said an old fisherman. “What a joke!”
“Where’s thy crew anyways?” said one of the king’s guards, Nit Bumperstickers to be precise. “Thou needest a crew for thy journey to France, O king Numbskull!”
“To be precise,” said Nit’s friend Wit Crackerjacks, “thou needest a journey of French fries for thy crew!”
“Silence, you two!” said Victoro. “Cut thy jabberings! The answer is all too simple! Some of us wilt be joining Numbskull’s new crew! And, if he wilt have me, I wilt be one of ’em!”
Some gasps came from the crowds. Really? Would the once proud and magnificent king of Fanaticostcosodor Island really be the crewmember of a one horribly idiotic clumsy pirate captain with an itty-bitty brain?
“Of course!” said Numbskull happily. “I wilt gladly promote thee to First Mate!”
“It’s an honor, Captain!”
“I wanteth to be joining, too!” said Nit. “I’ve always wanted to sail the Seven Seas!”
“To be precise, me too!” said Wit.
“And if ye guys wanteth to be going on a long journey,” said the King Victoro’s main chef, Kazamarty Looksmarty, “then ye wilt be needing a good ol’ chef!”
“And as I’m a professional fisherman,” said the old fisherman, who went by the name of Charlie Tolkinmeyers. “I wilt be glad to be helping thee with thy supplies!”
“Good! Very good!” said Numbskull. “I must say, this is the happiest day in all ma’ laff! OK, Chefy! Thou canst pack up thy cooking goods and some food supplies! Ye two rather chubby-lookin’ gentlemen… wait a minute! Ye put that straitjacket on me, didn’t ye?”
“I must say, we’re so sorry! And by the way, my name’s Nit.”
“Precisely! And by the way, my name’s Wit!”
“Forgiveness granted! Go pack thy things, Nit, Wit, and, er… Fishhook!” Charlie had a fishhook on his blue hat.
“Er… my name’s Charlie Tolkinmeyers…”
“Oh, king,” said Robinsen to the former king, Victoro. “I wanteth to be with thee wherever thou goest!”
Victoro laid his hands on Robinsen’s shoulder’s. “I knoweth thy feelings, my kind servant. Thou hast a big job to do here… to take care of these islanders while we art gone.”
“Yes, sire”, said Robinsen Gruso. “I wilt do as thou commandest!”
“In fact!” said Numbskull. “I don’t really care if I’m the king or not of this junk pile. I canst be the figurehead… no… I don’t really care about being that either… I wanteth King Victoro Cornchips to be the figurehead of this island, and Mr. Grillso can serve as Prime Minister of the island! After all, he wast the one who pulled that certain lever and dropped Cap’n Soysauce down the trash-bin! I wilt therefore remain Captain Rascal Numbskull of the Seven Seas!”
“Let’s go, Captain! The sooner the better!” said Victoro.
Pretty soon, after many goodbyes and farewells, the six-some walked towards where Numbskull’s ship lay moored: Numbskull, Victoro, Nit, Wit, the fisherman, and the chef.
Some palm trees they passed, and soon they came to a lone palm tree by the sea.
“Gents! May I present unto thee… THE RUBBER DUCKY!” said Numbskull.
The other five feasted their eyes on the ship tied to the palm tree… a raft made out of nothing but rotten wood with an old broom for a mast and some taped up toilet paper for sails. And tied to the front of the raft… a big rubber ducky, the height of which was 62.5 centimeters, the length 83.64 centimeters, and the width 38.29 centimeters.
“IT’S A PIECE OF JUNK!!!” yelled Nit and Wit in dismay.
“Wilt this even float?” asked the fisherman.
“Fine! I’m done!” said the chef. Then he turned back the way he came, leaving the supplies. “Keep the supplies! I doth not think I’ll be sorry for not going on this foolhardy trip!”
“And when we cometh back, I’ll promise to dump a bucket full of stinkin’ rottin’ fish on top of thy head!”
Victoro only stood there speechless with disappointment.
“Numbskull, I must say I’m a bit disappointed!”
But Numbskull was angry. “HOW DAREST YE THINK LIGHTLY OF MA’ BEEEEAUUUUTIFUL SHIP! A piece of junk ye says?! I have sailed this baby for seventeen years, across the Seven Seas! And I’ll wilt shew thee what this baby is made out of!”
“It’s made out of rotten wood, as far as I can see!” said Victoro. “I sure hope nothing bad wilt happen when we set off on our… rather perilous voyage!”
And so they boarded The Rubber Ducky and embarked, with all the islanders waving and cheering as they left.
“Bon Voyage!” shouted Robinsen Gruso, with his will-be wife standing next to him.
“Adieu and adios!” said Captain Numbskull.
“Farewell!” said King Victoro.
“Three cheers for the king and the islanders!” said Nit ‘n Wit.
“Goodbye! Don’t forget about me!” said Charlie the fisherman.
“Bah humbug!” said the ill-tempered chef, face all red in frustration, who was now with the crowd.
The six-member orchestra had brought along their expensive instruments when they evacuated the castle, all except the poor guitarist, Simonus Garfunnkellio, who had to play the “drums” using his fat belly while the others, Hedgewig van Brackovenius, who was the leader playing the cello, Rossella Giorvanno, the violinist, Amanda Moresstart, the flutist, Julius van Vernus, the trumpeter, and Johann Stephanbach Jacksonstyle, the pianist (In fact he was so strong, that he carried his grand piano all the way from the castle to the green lawn outside), played “The Throne Room“.
A very beautiful sunset, its orange color gleaming in the horizon, was now making a striking appearance, as if celebrating the moment.
In the forest, not so distant from the crowd and the fallen castle, on a branch high up in a tree, Bingo the heroic sloth perched, looking at the departure of Captain Numbskull and his crew. “Aaa! Aaa!” it said.
Suddenly, a dark object fluttered around the tree branch and perched on the same branch as the sloth… a raven… the raven that stared ominously in the eyes of Numbskull…
“OK! Ma’ crew! Hoist the main sail! Set course for France!” said Captain Numbskull, looking at his compass that he took out of his coat pocket.
“Aye, aye, Captain!” said the crew, doing what the captain commanded and rowing the raft with paddles.
“So, Cap’n! Which way may we be a’headin’?” said Victoro, who suddenly changed to pirate-mode, as he raised a spyglass to his eye.
“Uh, well, er, First Mate?” said Numbskull.
“Yes, Captain?” said Victoro.
“Which way… er… is France?”
Victoro and the rest stared at Numbskull for a few moments. “Thou dost not know?” said Victoro. “Why, I dost not know either! But I know chess!”
“Chess? What’s chess?” said the captain.
“Oh! I thought that game was called ‘Candy Sprinkles’!”
“Because ma’ granny used to give me candy sprinkles every tam’ I played ‘chest’ with her in exchange for ma’ losing the game on purpose!”
He would lose anyway, without even doing it on purpose, thought the king. “Well, once we get to France, I might as well play a game of chess with thee at my chess grandchampion uncle’s mansion!”
“Wow!” said Numbskull. “He must be as old as Master Yoga by now!”
The fisherman knew more about directions, so he told Numbskull that the way to go… was South.
“Well, then!” said Numbskull. “Bring me that horizon!”
“We also haveth relatives in France! We two are cousins, and a few of our relatives, including our fathers, are noblemen and noblewomen in Paris,” said Nit Bumperstickers.
“To be precise, we are two noble-cousins who haveth fathers and mothers who eateth French fries in Paris,” said the rather dull-witted Wit.
“Gibberish!” said Victoro.
“Well, all’s well that ends well, ain’t that right?” said Numbskull.
Then he opened a box full of rum. “As a token of ma’ gratitude, I wilt give thee each one bottle of rum!” After distributing them, he opened his own bottle and took a big draw from his bottle of rum, and sang, “Yo ho, yo ho! A pirates life for me!… Drink up me hearties! Yo ho!”
Then they all clanked their bottles to each other.
“All for one, one for all!”
Then suddenly, eight gigantic red tentacles emerged from the water!
All the islanders watching from the island and the crew on the “boat” gasped in astonishment.
“I-I-It’s the Kraken!!!” yelled the fisherman on Numbskull’s raft.
The cute little baby sloth perched on a tree was so surprised… that it spat something out of his mouth…
What was it?
The item the sloth, Bingo, was holding…
Was the Ring of Ignoramus Rex!
The sea monster, was about to close in it’s deadly tentacles on the little raft, when…
“I-I-It’s the Diby-Mock!!” screamed Robinsen Gruso in terror.
A huge white mouth of a gigantic white whale, even bigger than the Kraken, burst forth from the sea, enclosing the Kraken…and alas…
Then the Diby-Mock shut its mouth and dove into the dark unknown depths of the sea…
Captain Rascal Numbskull will sail the Seven Seas…
Quote the raven:
By Sir Magnanimous Jacksonville 🙂
Thus ends The Chronicles of Numbskull!
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