Yes, ladies and gentlemen! I will make this following announcement…
I have just finished writing The Chronicles of Numbskull!!!
So grab your popcorn and enjoy!
Don’t be too surprised if, five years from now, you’d be chewing on Captain Numbskull’s Peppermint Gum and watching The Chronicles of Numbskull on T.V. with Sir Christopher Lee starring as Pistachio Penguin!
Here are the five episodes of The Chronicles of Numbskull! :
“WHY DIDST I DO THAT FOR!!!” roared the king of Fanaticostcosodor Island, King Victoro, as he stomped around his throne room. “I shouldst have kept that foolish nutty little numbskull alive for a well-deserved public hanging! Aaargh!!”
“Er, sire? Wha-what if he still liveth?” said the king’s main servant, Robinsen Gruso.
At that the king suddenly changed to attack mode. “Well, find him!” he barked.”Find him and bring him to me dead or alive. Either way I will have his map, and,” the king made an evil smile, “the treasure will be mine!” Then he ordered his guards to search outside the castle for their lost prisoner, the venerable Captain Rascal Numbskull of the Seven Seas.
At that moment they heard a loud ‘Clang! Clang!’ coming from somewhere underneath.
“What was that?” asked Robinsen Gruso to the king.
“It better not be our old prisoner imprisoned down below. It wilt not be good if he escapes, wilt it?” said the king, twitching his graying blond mustache.
Then they heard a scream.
“That soundeth like Numbskull’s obnoxious voice! Find him! Find him NOW!!!”
With that fifteen of the king’s guards dispersed.
“Ahhh” said the king, letting out a deep sigh of distress as he sat back on his throne. “I needest something to calm me down!!”
Then he requested his small orchestra standing near him on a low platform on his right, to play “The Raiders March” for him. Then he proceeded to take off his crown and put on his fedora. . .
Meanwhile. . .
“WHY DIDST THOU DO THAT TO ME FOR?!!” whined Captain Numbskull as he slowly and painfully got to his feet, straightening his hat and pushing his spectacles back to their proper place on his nose.
“That was to teach thee a lesson: to be cautious of your actions. And just to warn thee… appearances can be deceiving and I knoweth kung fu”, said the old man.
“And ye betta watch out ’cause I’d be a’knowin’ yoga!!” said Numbskull.
The old man squinted his eyes at him and crossed his arms. “That willnae help thee much, wilt it? And by the way, ye shouldst have gone to college to learn thy math!”
“Actually, I have,”proclaimed Numbskull proudly. “I, the great Captain Numbskull, has been a’graduatin’ from the University of Fanatic Oafs… and I canst tell thee this one thing, that that place is NOT the place for intellectuals like me!”
Pistachio Penguin looked at him with mouth gaped wide. “The University of Fanatic Oafs? No wonder why thy mathematical skills are horribly down under… Also, I must add, ye dost not know how to speak to thy superiors.”
“Art thou sayin’ that ye is bein’ MA’ superior, Mr. Pineapple Pumpkin Pelican Pajamas, uh, sorry, Pen Pineapple Apple Pen, er, whatever?”
“It’s Pistachio Penguin. My friends used to call me that because when I was young, I eateth pistachios so much that I becometh fat and I walketh like a penguin.”
“Ha, ha, ha. . . er, wait a minute. . . ye said that already!”
“Oh, did I?”
“Yes, and for some reason I findeth that name not to my liking. What day is it today?”
“Huh? Now what on earth art thou talking about?” Then the old man looked at the thirty-seven years worth of notches made by his knife on his prison wall. “Well, looks like today’s Thursday!”
“Then”, said Numbskull, pretending to knight the old man with his right arm, “from this day forward, thou shalt be known as. . . Thursday!!”
“. . . Why?”
“Because it’s easier to say and it maketh more sense… and today is Thursday, the day ye are released!”
Then Numbskull made a serious expression. “I hast something to show thee, something extremely important.”
“What is it?”said Thursday in the tone of an irritated person.
Then Numbskull took a piece of parchment from out of one of his coat pockets. “Dost thou know what this is?”
“I knoweth not. Thy certificate of clumsiness, perhaps?”
“No, no, no, and NO!!! This is the map that leadeth to the treasure of great pirate king, Ignoramus Rex, the evil pirate captain of his flagship, The Idiosyncrasy, and he owned fifteen other ships. It is said that this great pirate lord sailed the Seven Seas and has found a certain valuable treasure in a cave in an island near Persia, the lost ring of an ancient Persian prince that is said to be made out of nothing but solid gold! Embedded in the ring is a veeeery expensive red pearl of enormous price! I want thee to help me find this treasure, a treasure that I has spent seventeen years lookin’ for it, said to be worth about fifteen thousand gold doubloons! It’s somewhere in this castle. If we findest it, mark me words we shall most certainly find it, then I’ll be rich and I can buy dozens of ships and become a pirate admiral! And to show thee ma’ gratitude, I wouldst give thee one- fiftieth of the booty. . . savvy?”
“Well, uh, I see not a reason to decline. But, Ignoramus Rex?. . . Never heard of him. Where is he now?”said Thursday.
“Alas,” said Numbskull in a gloomy voice, “he was killed about half a century ago by a young knight named Victoro Cornmillius. . .”
“What! Victoro?! Why, he is the king of this island!”
“Oh, boy, oh, boy! What a major coincidence! More the reason to find the treasure before the king does! I’d like to have my revenge on that sulky ol’ King Corn!”
“Well, then. If ye wilt have me as thy fellow treasure hunter, I’d be too glad to help!” said Thursday excitedly.
So Numbskull showed him his treasure map. “We art here”, said he, pointing to the castle on the map.
“Undoubtly so”, said Thursday. “The X here marks the spot of the treasure, yeah, that’s great, but we needeth more clues!. . . Hey, wait a minute, what art those small letters at the bottom of the map?”
“Eh? What? Where?” said Numbskull densely.
Thursday snatched the paper away from Numbskull’s skinny hands and examined it carefully. “Let me see thy spectacles for a moment, Captain.”
“Here are ma’ spectaculars!” said Numbskull as he handed them over to Thursday.
Thursday then used them as a magnifying glass.
“Well, what doth it say? Quick, tell me! Art thou tryin’ to be Father Brown or somethin’?” squeaked Captain Numbskull.
Casting a quick angry glance at him, Thursday dictated the words, “It sayeth: ‘Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, and the dreams that you dreamed of, dreams really do come true’. . .”
Silence reigned for about twenty-five seconds.”What the weirdo does that mean?”said Numbskull.
“First of all let’s get out of here. Let’s climb up those steps over there!”
Pretty soon they were in a large hallway.
“I thinketh I know where to look!” said Thursday.
“Where? Outside? Art we supposed to go outside and wait for a rainbow to come up? That’s absolutely ridiculous!”
“Don’t even think of it. Besides, by the sounds I hear, it’s raining cats and dogs outside, anyway!”
“What? Where?” said Numbskull, poking his head out a nearby window. “But I ain’t seein’ any cats and dogs!”
“Bah! Whatever! Thou must have mashed potatoes for brains!”
At that moment, a raven that was perching on a tree branch at the same height as the window cawed at Numbskull, mocking him.
“Oh! Hiya little birdie!” said Numbskull.
The bird stared at Numbskull ominously, which made him want to bring his head back inside the castle.
“So where shall we look?” asked Numbskull to Thursday.
“To the king’s library, my dear Englishman, to the library. . . for Ignoramus Rex liked nothing more, other than treasure and rum, than reading!”
Numbskull looked at Thursday with big round eyes, mouth wide open, and tongue sticking out. “Bu-bu-but thou hast said that ye has never heard of Ignominious Rex, er Ignoramus Rex!”
“Oh! Um, w-w-e-ll,” stammered Thursday. “It was only a little deduction. Nothing more.”
And so they searched for the king’s library, a mission not to be found a difficulty beacuse the library filled one-third of the whole entire castle. After about thirty-five minutes and twenty-one seconds of searching, they found the king’s library.
“Here we are!” said Thursday triumphantly. “We hast reached our destination!”
“Wha-ha-haow! Just look at all these books!” exclaimed Numbskull. “I’ve ne’er seen so many in ma’ laff o’ forty-five years!”
For in that library were hundreds of thousands of books, in many thirty-five-meter tall bookshelves reaching up as high as the ceiling
“Neither have I! Well then, let’s go find that treasure of yours! A rainbow. . . a rainbow is what we need to find first. . . Let’s get started with our search, and nuts to those who don’t do their work of searching, eh Captain?. . . Captain?”
“Z-z-z. . . Z-z-z. . .” snored Captain Numbskull as he slept soundly on the long twenty-meter library table.
“What in the hocus pocus art thou doing, huh! This is absolutely no time to sleep! Up with thee and help me search, ye little brat!!”
“Oh, oh, oh, yessiree, mister!” said Numbskull jumping off the table and collapsing on the floor. “Sorry, I got a bit sleepy there, after all that sailing to this island and the fiasco, ehe! And anyways, ye said ‘nuts to those who don’t do their work’, so where are my nuts? Do ye has any almonds?”
Thursday walked towards Numbskull, took off the clumsy pirate’s hat, and slapped his head, then placed the hat back on his head.
And so they began their search, looking at the books, the bookcases, the walls, the ceiling. . .
“Hey, Thursday!” said Numbskull after about five minutes of searching. “Ye see that yonder painting over their, over the smallest bookshelf?”
“Yes, yes, I see!” shouted Thursday. “It’s a rainbow! You’ve made a brilliant discovery. . . strangely. . .”
They ran towards the bookshelf.
“In order to reach it,” said Thursday, “we needeth a ladder. . . Hey! What!”
Without warning, Numbskull started to climb up Thursday’s old shoulders.
“What art thou doing?! Who art thou trying to be?! Don Quixote?!”
“I thinks I can be a’reachin’ it!” As Numbskull looked closely, he spotted a small red button over the rainbow.
“Aha! Bingo!” said Numbskull triumphantly as he pushed the button.
At that moment, something from high up a different bookshelf came falling to the ground. In a moment, Numbskull was off Thursday’s shoulders.
“What is that?” said Thursday, massaging his shoulders.
“It must be some kind of massive book”, said the numbskull.
Thursday looked at it carefully. “It ain’t a book, Captain! It’s a box!!”
Hands shaking, head bobbing up and down like a chicken, and spectacles sliding down to his nostrils, Numbskull moved slowly towards the mysterious wooden box.
Then he looked aghastly at Thursday.
“The-the-the lock is broken! And I’d be a’seein’ scratches around the lock!!”
Thursday looked shocked as well. “The treasure better be in there, or my name is not Tyra… Thursday…”
“Tyrathursday? Whaddaya mean ‘Tyrathursday’?”
“OK, well!” said Numbskull, turning his face back to the box and rubbing his hands with excitement and delight. “The treasure betta not be a’being in there, or ma’ name is Salamander Higgins! Let us open the treasure of Ignoramus Rex, shall we?”
Then they both laid their hands on the lid.
“Together!” said they in unison, and the box was open…
What their eyes beheld made them speechless with great surprise…
Rubies, emeralds, diamonds of diverse sizes, gold doubloons… sparkling with the sun’s bright rays beaming out of a nearby window, for the rainstorm has passed…
“We found it! We has found the treasure of Indominus Rex, er, Indoraptor Rex, no, Ignoramus Rex!!” exclaimed Numbskull. “But the Persian prince’s ring? I don’t see it in the treasure box! Uh, Thursday? What hast happened? Ye looketh like ye has seen a ghost!”
Sure enough, Thursday’s face was as white as snow. “Wha-wha-what i-i-i-s tha-tha-that-t-t-t?”
Numbskull looked carefully at the treasure, and his jaw dropped…
Out of the many jewels and gold came forth a small little hand, moving really slowly. Then the other hand emerged from the box. Pretty soon the head, the body, and the legs of the mysterious creature came out of the treasure. The creature slowly clammered out of the box…
“H-h-help!” screamed Numbskull. “This thing’s grabbing ma’ poor legs!”.
“Ahh! Ahh!” said the cute little baby sloth as it slowly climbed up Numbskull’s legs!
Captain Numbskull, the pirate captain of the Rubber Ducky, slowly and painfully got to his feet and looked up at the large window from which he was kicked out of.
“Oh, boy, what a fall!” he said as he straightened his spectacles as best as he could by flexing his face muscles.
For what happened was this: The king, in his wrath and anger, with swift movements, jumped out of his throne and kicked the numbskull of a Numbskull out of a open window.
“Thank ma’ lucky stars ‘am still alive! ‘Twas about a 100 feet fall!” And looking left and right, he said,”Now for that treasure! Yippee!”
He moved as fast as he could with the miserable strait jacket tied around him, his rather strange running style making him look like an ostrich. He ran into a small wooded area next to the castle, where he will be less spotted by the king’s men.
“Hello, what’s this?” he questioned himself as he stood near some trees next to the brick outer wall of the castle. “Ain’t this what I was a’lookin’ for… another entrance into the castle?”
What he found was an old wooden trapdoor with rusting hinges embedded into the dirt, mostly covered with grass.
Then with his feet, he opened the mysterious trapdoor and looked down. Behold: Nothing but pitch blackness…
“Well… I… um… er…” he mumbled as he hesitated. “Ok, ol’ Numbskull… here goes a’nuttin’!” With that he plunged into the hole. “AYE-AYE-YAH!!” said he as he fell.
“Ooof!” He landed. “Uh… what is this place?” He was now in an old cellar, a dungeon in fact.
“Who, who art thou?” said an old creepy voice.
The hairs on the back of the captain’s neck stood up at the unexpected voice. As he squinted his eyes and looked around, he spotted a cage connected to the dungeon wall, a cage with an old man inside, a very old-looking man with long white hair, a bushy white moustache and beard, and ragged clothes.
“Er… g’mornin’! Art thou Santa Claus?” asked Captain Numbskull.
The old man answered, “Never in my life.”
Numbskull continued,”Art thou… Gandalf?”
“Out of the question!”
“Then art thou… a sasquatch?”
“A sasqua.. what art thou talking about?! …What’s a sasquatch?”
“A big hairy creature that eateth humans! Other than that, I have no idea whatsoever. Who art thou anyways?”
The prisoner pondered for a few moments. “For years, decades it seemeth, I have been imprisoned in this miserable bird cage, so… I hast forgotten my name! …But I doth remember this one thing… my friends used to call me… Pistachio Penguin!”
“P-P-Pistachio Penguin??!” cried Numbskull in wonder. “What kind of a name is that?!”
“Well, when I was younger, I used to eat pistachios so much that I got too fat, and I walked just like a penguin… thus the name, Pistachio Penguin… savvy?”
“Duh… But why pistachios? It soundeth boring! Why not almonds? They’re bigger and healthier…”
“Well, enough of this!” said Pistachio Penguin. “Wilt thou be so kind as to free me from this stinkin’ prison? Here, I hast nothin’ to eat but rotten eggs and stale bread, washed down by rotten low-fat goat’s milk, given to me by that filthy little king’s brattish guards!”
“I wilst help thee, if it weren’t for this stupid striped jackal… whatever it’s called, then I couldst free thee with ma’ hands! But I’ll try to try ma’ best!” Then he started jumping up and down, getting ready for action. “OK, mister. I’ll try to free thee out of thy miserable dwelling place!”
Up and down he jumped, kicking at the iron bars as he did so. “Take that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and…”
The old man, who was chewing his beard, said,”Please don’t make too much noise… And thou lookest like a chicken!”
Numbskull abruptly stopped and looked at the old man, “And would thou please stop actin’ the goat!”
Pistachio Penguin stopped chewing his beard,”Huh?”
Twenty minutes later, with a final kick from Numbskull’s weakening legs, the jail doors burst open, and Pistachio Penguin was free!
“I can’t find enough words to thank thee, sir! I thank thee, I thank thee from my heart! Tell me what I canst do to return thy kindness!”
Numbskull looked as proud as ever. “No need to thank me ol’ geezer. I just did what I must, nothing more, nothing less. How old art thou, O Pistachio Penguin anyways? Thou lookest like thou art at least two thousand years old! And thou canst repay me by freeing me from my bonds as well.”
“I am fourscore and eight years old! I knowest that because I have kept track of all the years of my imprisonment by making notches on the wall with this here knife!” And taking his knife from out of his coat pocket, and with one swift movement, he cut the stait jacket right smack in the middle.
“EEEEEEK!!!” screamed Numbskull as the strait jacket fell to the floor. “I thoughtest thou wert goin’ to be a’killin’ me! And by the way… stank ye very much for the cuttin’ of ma’ bonds! And I hast forgotten to tell thee… my name is Captain Rascal Numbskull!”
“Oh… oh, really,” said the old man, whose face had clouded up and who was looking at the oafish captain shrewdly. “And… you’re welcome.”
Numbskull looked at the knife the old man was holding. “Wait a moment there… if you had a knife… then why didn’t ye just unlock the door with it thyself?!”
The old man looked down upon his knife. “Well I never… You’re right! What a fool I was!” Then he returned the knife to its original place, face red with anger to himself and embarrassment.
Numbskull thought, “Hmm? Fourscore and eight? Whatever the world does that meaneth? Hmm…”
Then from his coat pocket, Numbskull took out a pen and began scribbling something on the strait jacket which he picked up.
“What the prickly porcupine quills art thou doing, huh?”
“I, the great Cap’n Numbskull, has been a’doin’ some elementary calculations, and I hast come to the fantastic conclusion, that thou art eight hundred eighty-eight point fifty-four years old!” Then snapping his fingers and pushing his spectacles up like a smarty, he said, “Oh, yeah! I’m a wonderful genius sparkling with a good ol’ brain!”
But it was less than ten seconds later that Captain Numbskull lay sprawled out on the floor with his pirate hat pushed down to his nose.
King Victoro, the king of an island near England, was sitting on his throne, when suddenly the doors of the throne room opened and one of his servants, Mr. Gruso, came to him and said, “O King, we hast brought unto thee a prisoner.”
“Good. Bring him hither for interrogation!”
The doors of the throne room opened once more and there came in two guards with a prisoner between them, a rather dumb-looking man with spectacles and a black pirate hat. The poor man was wrapped up in a white strait jacket.
“Who art thou? And what is thy purpose here?” asked the king.
“Well, uh… let me have the honor of speaking to thee in words.”
“Of course thou speakest with words! Now answer my questions!”
“Sure thing, mister. My name’s Cap’n Numbskull!”
The king raised his brow. “Oh… oh, really… and thy purpose here?”
Captain Numbskull replied in a proud manner, “Me, Cap’n Numbskull, has been a’lookin’ for a bit o’ treasure. A map that I have been a’followin’ led I to this certain palace. So, me was a’lookin’ around when all of a sudden two gentlemen came and seized me like… like I was a fish!!”
The king became both interested and annoyed.
“Hidden treasure? In my palace? Well, I guess that maketh it MY treasure, am I wrong?”
“Of course thou art wrong!! I’ve been a’searchin’ for this treasure for seventeen years! Seventeen years! And I advise thee to stay away from my merchandise!!” squeaked Captain Numbskull.
“WHA-WHAT DIDST THOU SAY?!!” the king bellowed. “I am the great king of this island, Fanaticostcosodor Island, who will one day conquer all England. And ye come to me with disgrace? Intolerable! I advise thee to submit to me, OR TASTE MY WRATH!!!”
The pirate captain looked both dense and aghast, with his tongue sticking out.
“I-I’m so terrifyingly sorry! I didst not mean to make thee so… whiny… and I, THE GREAT CAPTAIN NUMBSKULL, shalt therefore submit to thee, rather than getting hanged for treason…and I shalt hereby kneel to thee, O King… King… uh, King Whateverthynameis!” gobbled Numbskull with his rather obnoxious voice.
But what he said next let out a gasp from everyone in the room.
“Your Majestink”, he said as he kneeled. “I am thy most humbug servant!”
And therefore Captain Numbskull was kicked out of the palace.